to blog or not to blog

It has been a while...no it's been forever since I last typed anything here on the ole bloggity blog blog blogger.

Time flies when you're having fun?

It certainly does! The past few months have been all-that-makes contentment. Sure there have been plenty of struggles, but the good has far outweighed the bad and I hope to be around more often. I've toyed with letting the blog die off, leaving it for others to read through, especially those nursing students out there who might need something to help with the insanity, but not keeping it up any further. In the past it's sometimes been a burden to keep up.

So much goes on in my head, hence "order & chaos", so I figure I'll share, if only sparingly.

It seems some come and read and have left comments along the way, so I figure why not use this to let it all out!

Where to start?

The j.o.b.

Three years ago when I first started this blog, if you'd told me I'd end up in med/surg nursing I'd have laughed straight into your face. Weeellll, currently you'd be able to throw back the laughs. It's been great. Sure, there are times it's frustrating and challenges beyond what I want, but it's fulfilling and it's great for experience. Will I stick with it long-term? Doubtful.

Alas, I don't really know what I really want to do in nursing right now, so I'll ride it out until June and then reevaluate. Well, knowing me that'll start mid-March.

So, I've been burning the midnight oil, caring for patients from a 21 yo with cancer to a 90-something with exacerbation-o-everything. I've had a couple of peds patients, several knees, hips, backs, pneumonias, copd'ers, type 2 diabetes, and some with more than one problem.

One thing I've gained is a certain essence, a sort of finesse. I no longer feel like a bumbling student. <<<---priceless.

We are family

The boys are men. LB is off to his freshman year of college and is having the time of his life. AW is a sophomore in high school. He's loving being the only SMan to rule the school, no longer living directly in his brother's shadow. Big B started a new job a few months ago and is loving it.

Latest big deal

After months (years) of dealing with problematic periods (endometriosis, fibroids, abnormal paps, etc) I took the plunge and had a total hysterectomy with both tubes and ovaries yanked as well. That was just this past Wednesday. It was done by daVinci robot. I highly recommend this surgical option. My recovery has been great. I was on Dilaudid for about two full days, and took it for the first three nights at home. Advil/Tylenol PMs have been doing the trick since. I'm having a bit of a problem with what I'm guessing is an adhesion from a previous surgery that was disrupted intraoperatively, and is now angry. It's a pain deep in my right side, that doesn't coincide with one of the incisions directly. It's about 2 inches off from one of the incisions, about where an instrument may have grazed.

It's been driving me crazy to keep up "taking it easy". You never realize how much you do until you can't do it!

Mi casa

I've pretty much resolved to the fact that we aren't getting out of our current home, all thanks to the totally upside down mortgage, without renting it and the difficulties that go along with that. Instead of wallowing in self-pity we've been working on some improvements. We finally put in new carpet up our stairs and on the whole second floor. It's plush and gorgeous. We bought a new king-sized bedroom set and squeezed into the 12x17 space. Again, may I proclaim the gorgeousness of our choice!? Its been fun redecorating. We also redecorated LB's room some, but have left it to primarily being his room. He'll just have to deal with my craft table and the treadmill I plan on purchasing for my butt improvement project. We're going to redecorate the computer room/man cave. And along with other downstairs tasks we plan to put in hardwoods or laminate on the entire first floor and ditch all the carpet. We've talked about adding on to our bedroom out the back, to extend and make a larger bathroom. Our upstairs bathrooms are, I kid you not, probably 7x7 feet total...including the space the single vanity, toilet and small tub take up. So, while I've made an oasis into our his/her boudoir, the bathroom just got a few minor cosmetic improvements, but needs some major ones....STAT.

I've also toyed with the idea of buying a beach house down in NC. On that note, I'm off to scope out what's available!

0740

That's the time my phone rang this morning. It was the HR person from The Hospital. She had "good news and some interesting news" to share with me. First off, they're trying to figure out what can be done to support a new grad on the unit. (Have I mentioned that in July I will no longer be a "new grad"....gah!?) <--can't wait. They want to hire me, but it's not as simple as "you're hired!"

Must there be such things as budgets, and personnel considerations...the current state of the US economy?

Secondly, I need to retake the pediatric pharmacology and general pediatrics assessments that I took last time I'd applied for a postion at The Hospital. I missed passing both by around two points. This didn't shock me too much. Actually, I was pleased considering this would have been around January, and at least a year, or so, after I'd studied peds. It shocked me in that I expected to miss it by a lot more.

So, I have five days to retake it according to the assessment instructions. To avoid waiting too much longer to find out if I'm hired or not, I'll only take, at the most, the next 2-3 days. This gives me time to brush up.

As far as the current job goes, I finally received my schedule when I worked this past Friday. Normally schedules should be provided before the month they're posted for, right? Not at the fine establishment I'm so lucky to be working at. As a matter of fact, I'd gone in a week ago this past Thursday, so on the 31st, and asked for mine. No-can-do, it wasn't completed yet. Hmmm, with only being put on it for two days, exactly what was so hard in completing it? Yeah, two days. Two lowly days is all that I was scheduled for, for the month of April. Now, I did request to be put on as PRN (as needed) and they've just hired a bunch of people, therefore fully-staffed, so I'm not as needed as needs be. [--stop here before going on and on about the wonderful...oh, just stop!

Today we have one of those teen-who-needs-to-learn-lessons-the-hardest-ways-possible-because-of-his-own-bad-decisions kinds of appointments with a robed individual. We're actually looking at a deal, but considering he swears up and down that he didn't take part in one of the charges, or at least directly, we might be able to fight it being that there were no fingerprints taken. And wouldn't ya know it, it's April 11th.

Really, by the time my youngest graduates high school my skin should be as thick as that of a rhinoceros', that, or I'll have a one-way ticket to a state institution.

...and maybe I'll be more than a "new grad"...

are you ready!?

I am so ready, in so many ways. Then there's one reason that leaves me wanting time to slow way down. I'm ready for this upcoming year. It's a year without me attending classes and studying for endless hours. Ironically though, I'll have a full year without college attendance, at least on my own behalf. LB will take up where I've left off. He'll be attending college, somewhere. harumph.

So, as I start paying off student loans, my eldest son will become an adult, become of age to vote and will be eligible for selective service. All that wrenches at my heart, and it leaves me sad, but it's exciting as well.

He'll be 18 in March. Where has the time gone?

It's going to be a good year; I'm sure of it.

I turn 40 in January.

AW turns 15 and while we're at it, Big B will celebrate his 42nd.

I'm going to Vegas for my 40th birthday. Big B has arranged a trip for us to go out and celebrate, sans the younger guys. I can't wait. It should be a blast.

What else can we look forward to in 2011?

Right now I feel a sense of contentment. It's great to have a family that's healthy and to be employed. Granted, there are things in both aspects of my life that leave lots of room for improvement. Although AW is generally healthy, he's recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea. He was supposed to have a tonsillectomy with uvulopalatectomy January 5th, but just yesterday I found out Tricare (our insurance through the US military) denied it based on "not a benefit". Yeah, that came as a harsh blow, but rest assured I won't lay back and take the denial without a fight.

It is very frustrating because he's made some really bad decisions in the past couple of years and I was hopeful the surgery would 1.) work, therefore 2.) be the answer to some of his problems. He's even landed himself in legal trouble, so we're also dealing with going to court in the near future. In my mind it would help us to work on distinguishing between behavioral issues stemming from organic causes and well, those that are just rooted by teenageritis. Chaos...

As of today I am now on dayshift. I'm still plugging away on the rehab unit. Nightshift was aging me. Who needs that with the regular toils and troubles of life that add gray hairs and wrinkles, not that I've grown any of the former, just plenty of the latter?

Today was a great day, albeit horrid at times, what with the dysfunctionality I've spoken of previously. We have a new unit manager and she's working toward improving upon a great deal, to include adding a 4th pod (that would mean our 60 bed unit would be divided by 4 nurses versus the 3 [when we're lucky]). Today made me wonder if I'm just more comfortable overall in my new-nurse skin, or have I just gotten used to the chaos? Hmmm....

The above photo was taken on my 20th birthday. Friends threw a surprise intimate gathering for me, complete with Garfield cake.

that's the way my cookie crumbled

It all started oh, about 5:30 p.m., Wednesday, August 11th. Imagine that, something happening on the 11th day of any month. It is a trend in my life. I had just gotten off work and was making my way through rush hour traffic to home. As usual I'd looked at my cell phone to check for messages before I started driving. Big B had left one, "Call me".

Ought oh.

He said he had bad news and proceeded to tell me one of his co-workers had resigned, so we wouldn't be able to go on vacation the following week. Yes, just days away from a vacation we had all looked so forward to, I was hearing it wouldn't happen. I was livid. That's putting it mildly. I am a redhead and do have the temper to fit. Most times I keep it in check, but when you mess with something or someone I care about, watch out.

I arrived home and head straight upstairs to spare my family members of my wrath. I'm embarassed to admit, I was so mad that when I slammed our bedroom door, that has an over-the-door hook on it, that usually keeps it from shutting...well, I slammed it so hard, it shut.

In the end we decided, so as not to waste any money, that the boys and I would go, sans Daddy.

Yes, I'm brave. I not only took two teenage boys on a road trip for a week, but added one of their friends to the mix. ZA had already been invited that very fateful day, and they were all so excited for their Jersey shore vacation. This is all thanks to the show, Jersey Shore. They were hellbent on having their own Jersey shore experience and who am I to not let them have it? Besides, I really needed to "get away". Taking them was the lesser of two evils, those being stay and not go on vacation that I'd been so looking forward to (read as: certain nervous breakdown would surely ensue), or take three teenage boys to the Jersey shore.

Off we went. We left VA on a rainy Sunday and arrived in a splendid locale reserved by my father-in-law. We spent a couple of days on the beach and also walked the boardwalk in Wildwood. One day we spent relaxing around camp, lazing around the pool and "enjoying" each others' company. The next day we were forced to again "enjoy" each others' company since it poured rain. all. day. long. That same day LB had developed swimmer's ear, so we also spent some time in a local urgent care facility. yay.

That evening I suffered with a migraine, but was able to sleep it away that night. Thursday we set out for Seaside Heights, which is the town where Season 1 of Jersey Shore had taken place. We all wanted to check it out and you never know when you might see a cast memeber, considering they still frequent Seaside. Wouldn't you know, we turn up onto the boardwalk and there's a big crowd of people, with some police officers patrolling the scene. It was Ronnie and Snooki! They were standing in the entryway of the Shore Store, which is the store the cast worked in during Season 1.

We walked the boardwalk and bought a bunch of t-shirts. The cast has made some taglines famous and of course the retail world has capitalized on this by way of t-shirts.



I started feeling another migraine coming on, and by this time we were all shopped out and ready to head home. We make our way back to the parking lot where we paid to park, only to notice the crowd of people starting to gather. Come to find out, we were parked right across the street from the house the cast had stayed in and are currently filming Season 3. We were right there where all the action was, well, across the street from it at least. I'm thinking a sudden burst of excitement and adrenaline curbed my headache, so I was able to stand by for a while, hoping to catch a glimpse of a cast member. Alas, after about an hour or so, the headache started coming on again and the boys had become bored with watching the commotion of MTV personnel and police officers, with no sighting of any celebrities, so we headed back to camp.

"Camp" was more than a tent. We had the privilege of staying in my father-in-law's RV, and it was a biggin'. It made for a mostly enjoyable vacation, although the boys were, at times,... too much personality... in what could be a small place.

Once again I was able to sleep off the migraine, and awakened Friday with plans to hit the beach. We also headed out to dinner that night for our seafood feast at The Lobster House in Cape May. Sadly, my migraine started in again and we made it an early night. I ended up with chills and nausea and after an hour or so trying to sleep it off unsuccessfully, had LB take me to the local ER. Last time I'd felt like that was when I had mastitis after I'd given birth to AW...14 years ago.

Nine hours and a dose of Reglan, and then a dose of Toradol later, I was discharged. As all good things must come to an end, we headed back to the RV to get packed up. After a ngihtmare of an ER visit where I got little to no sleep and LB slept none, I knew we couldn't head straight back home, so we followed my father-in-law to his house where I was able to get a nap in, and then we made our way home. All the while I felt like poo.

When Monday morning rolled around I was still feeling dreadful, so I had to call in sick. Later I received a phone call from the big boss informing me I'd been taken off, and replaced, of my part-time position, and was being put on PRN status. The person who covered for me during vacation was my replacement. Why? I have yet to get a solid reason. I can say I know it's due in part to the fact that my replacement is awesome. She's a former classmate, someone I considered a friend. I know her well enough to know she's extremely comfortable in her nurse skin, whereas I don't have the experience she does, and so I'm still getting used to mine.

That's the way my cookie crumbled. I'm torn. Part of me is relieved this happened, because I wasn't entirely comfortable working there. There are a few standards of practice I don't necessarily agree with. It was experience and a paycheck though. This has been a big blow to my confidence, even so far as to make me question my worth as a nurse.

Today I have an interview for a local health and rehabilitation center (nursing home). It's exciting and daunting all at once. I welcome the opportunity to possibly be doing more nurse-like work over what I was doing at the PO. We shall see.

milestones

Without a doubt, the next few months will be filled with incredible milestones. Both boys drove off this morning, school-bound. AW was riding shotgun while LB maneuvered their way to their freshman and senior year of high school. These times are truly bittersweet.

It's exciting to see AW start high school. I'm hopeful his HS career will be um...., less dramatic than his middle school career. He is such a great kid, but he's made some very bad decisions over the past couple of years. The middle school he went to was a miserable place to be. It seems that many of my friends, who've had sons that made it out, had similar bad experiences, but their son came around and turned out for the better. This would include my eldest son, LB. He made his own share of bad decisions, but has shoved his way through and is an awesome guy.

They both make me proud. I saw a bumper sticker recently that I loved. It said "Proud parent...period". A child doesn't have to be an honor student or a gifted athlete for his or her parents to feel pride.

AW will be 14 next month. He now towers over me and has given his brother a run for his money, concerning heighth. We always knew AW would outgrow his brother. Right now, at 3 1/2 years (to the day) apart, they're within an inch of one another.

LB is a senior now and he'll be 18 in March, and with that comes many celebrations. We also have "the lasts". Today I took the last first day of school pictures of both boys. LB will head off to college next year, and although I imagine I'll take pictures each step of the way, he won't start off a new year on the same day as his brother again.

I'll have to control myself over the next several months, so I don't lose it. I feel like I haven't had enough time with my sons. Can't we go back and do like shampoo tells us, you know, to repeat? I tried telling him that I was demoting him to kindergarten. He just laughed at me.

Many friends who've had kids go off to college recently have warned me about senioritis. As sure as there are good times, there will be some bad mixed in. They're convinced that it makes it easier to part with the senior who goes off to college, or leaves home for whatever reason.

This past week is a great example of frustration with my near-adult son. That's a whole different blog post though.

decipher this!

mulchthegardensscrapbookingreadingforpleasureshoppingforshoes,purses,funstuffgoingtothebeachgoingtoKDwalkingformileslosingweightpurgetheboys'clothingcleanthehouseweedthegardensbrushthedogsbrushthecatsgoouttodinnerspendtimewithfamilyspendtimewithfriendstravelclipsnooki'sclawspaintthebedroomsdesignnewblogbannerwatchmovieswatchtvshowstakeresumearoundlaminateIDcardsizedlicensegetajob!

That's my brain on free-time. Since I've passed the NCLEX there is no longer a need to study. I feel like I should be studying though. This is the first time in 11 years that I haven't had any pending school work to do, minus some breaks here and there - but there was still a degree to be finished.

The job market for new grad/inexperienced/newly licensed RNs is still very bleak. I've applied for most jobs I've come across that say nothing more than "experience preferred" or if there hasn't been a specific type of experience or certification required. One of the local hospital's nurse recruiters has called me twice now for a position I applied to, in behavioral medicine. The first call was to inquire as to if I did really want to work in that field. It's not my #1 choice, but I'd gladly take on the challenge. The second call was to inquire about my experience. Other than a degree in psychology and having worked with special needs/emotionally disturbed adolescents (which I forgot to mention) I have none. She said they'd call back if they chose to interview me. Haven't heard from them since.

I have applied for a school nurse position that I would be extremely happy to take even if the pay is minimal. The schedule would be perfect, especially considering some of the things we've gone through this past couple of years with our youngest resident adolescent. That's my silver lining to my jobless situation. I'm home for him this summer. I'm home for all my guys.

So anyway, back to free-time and having an overactive brain. I do better when I have to plan things out and schedule around things. Right now, with no job and the boys sleeping late (I let that become a habit since it helped with my need to study for NCLEX), I have too much free-time on my hands. I got out of the practice of doing a lot of things, like cleaning, and now am having a hard time getting back into doing them. Well that, and it's been hot here. harumph.

baby steps...

Maybe I'll get certified in something...take ACLS...

admissions

My last final exam is Monday morning at 9 a.m. and I couldn't be more nervous than I am right now. I'm on the verge of a migraine. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so close to the edge. This is why I don't go to the edges of cliffs. Even thinking about doing that makes me dizzy. But, alas, here I am with an 81% in my med/surg class. We still have four items to be submitted for a grade; one of our clinical rotation grades is pending, our preceptorship packet, our preceptorship/clinical grade and the final exam. It's a mere 25% of our total grade. I haven't done the math, but figure anything less than 78 and I fail.

These last few months have been extremely trying, even more than anyone will ever know. We've continued to have problems with AW and his academic standing, as well as his behaviors. Some of it's normal teenage rebellion, some of it has gone to extremes. I shoulder a lot of it, since I feel that I'm to blame for it all since I took time away from him to go to nursing school.

I think what makes me most nervous about failing is that it will quash everything we've been through the past two years.

Stronger, Mary J. Blige

We've been through the storm, we've been through it all
We had some close calls but never would fall
We climbed all the mountains, walked through all the valleys but you never left me behind

I found my way through the clouds
No more runnin, scared, closing my eyes
I will be true this love from my heart
I'm laying my life on the line

I will survive, as long as it's you by my side
I will survive, as long as it's you by my side
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger

They said we wouldn't make it but guess what we made it
And we got them wondering how
You were always for me, never been the one t'hurt me
You gave me peace of mine

I found my way through the clouds
No more runnin, scared, closing my eyes
I will be true this love from my heart
I'm laying my life on the line

I will survive, as long as it's you by my side
I will survive, as long as it's you by my side
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger

Sometimes I can't believe that you are with me..
There's nobody lucky as me
So I get on my kness to make sure that he knows that I'm grateful for what he gave me

I will survive
I will survive, as long as it's you by my side
I will survive, as long as it's you by my side
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger
I'm stronger

the reason I'm going to end up an AA member by the time my youngest graduates HS

So you understand fully my impending need for AA (I am just kidding about a future need for AA--for the most part). The first paragraph explains a status message post I'd made on Facebook about some things parents should never have to go through.

The status message: Things no parent should have to go thru: hearing "I hate you", but a 13 yr old will say it as easily as 7 year old; seeing disappointment on your child's face when they strike out, miss a goal, or are told by a "friend" that they aren't invited to a party (one they had been invited to); really bad hair cuts that you spent $ on; stitches to that baby's face; or 2 a.m. phone calls from the local sheriff's department...

LB received stitches twice when he was little, on his face both times. AW has recently told me he hates me, but he was saying it out of anger. LB plays baseball and even the best Bball players strike out. AW played soccer and missed a goal or two--it happens. LB was the one disinvited to a friends party by a "friend". He was also the one who got the bad 'do. Told the lady to take a 1/4" off, she took it down to a 1/4"!! He doesn't do buzz cuts well!

I have to laugh, which may seem demented. I remember me as a teenager though, and let's just say "payback's a bitch" :

This is THE STORY from last weekend, 11/7/09:
AW is at home grounded, so no sleepovers for him. Meanwhile LB is out with LW, supposed to be spending the night at A and A S's house. We get a phone call, about 2 a.m. asking if we own a car, plates blah, blah. I'm overhearing Big B confirm that "...yes, that is our car...", and of course you know the first thing that comes to my mind--LB had been in an accident. Nope, it was just illegally parked on *** Rd. The S's live in "one town", back behind the library--nowhere near *** Rd!!!! I get on AT&T Family Map, which is kind of like GPS and I have it locate LB. It says he's at the S's house. Mhmm.

So Big B and I make our way to *** Rd, meanwhile I'm calling MW, LW's mom, to let her know the situation. We get to *** Rd and low and behold there near a house, tucked in amongst trees, is LB's car. We drive up a lil further and notice the multiple cars at the house. We both get out and go up to the house. Mind you we both just rolled out of bed. I am wearing no makeup, hair's a mess, wearing turquoise lounge pants with huge siamese cats on them, with a red sweatshirt, my coat and my torn up slippers. Some kid opens the door and Big B asks for LB. He also tells the kids that the cops are out there (they weren't, at least at this point ), and it was sudden mayhem--kids darting out for their cars like bats out of hell. So LB comes up, then LW, and of course they've been drinking (which the fact that kids left-possibly drunk disturbs me).

They're both basically shitting their pants, with their tails between their legs. I agree to take LW home. On the way both boys beg to go to jail, cuz they didn't want to face the parental music. Big B took LB's car, after we'd left. Evidently the kid who's house it was did get busted cuz the deputy did show up and Big B told him about the party. I guess they'd originally been by because of noise complaints and that's how they found the car. We get to the LW's house and all 3 of us get out and go in.

Their tails are stuck so far up between their legs they'd probably have wagged out their mouths. LB apologizes to LW's parents, and LW to me. They're both, at this point, shouldering the blame. They're both old enough, LW being nearly 18 and LB nearly 17, to make wise, or dumb, decisions all on their own.

LB's phone was at the S's. He admitted it was partly due to the tracking thing. It's still in LW's car. He'll be riding the bus this week, at least, and has no phone. Hope he doesn't get it taken away after LW gives it to him at school and he attempts to check the zillion msgs that are bound to be on it! Boys are so dumb. I say that, but I did some pretty dumb stuff at his age too, though. AA here I come!

This is THE STORY about my middle schooler:
On 11/11/09 I had Mrs. D, Mr. C (AW's math seminar teacher), Mrs. M, Mrs. R's long-term sub AND Mrs. H (AW's art teacher) in AW's PT conference. Yes, even the art teacher had to get involved. He's still, or was still, missing assignments. He was supposed to have Saturday school and this time we were going to make him go, but now it's cancelled because of the power outage. [Due to weather we had from Ida, the school had a "partial power outage".] He's a great kid and they don't have a problem with utter disrespect. It's all hyperactive behavior or, a new one...he zones out. Yeah, this is a first. At least two of the teachers said he looks like he's paying attention in class, they call on him to answer a quesiton and he's all "Huh? What?" That blew me away, because I'm sitting there thinking geez, is he smoking pot or something??

Basically what it comes down to(not everything is included here, no one has that much time!), and I agree, he's exhibiting ADHD type behaviors.

He asks to go to the bathroom all the time. If they let him go he's observed wondering back from other areas...he's wondering the halls aimlessly. He even admitted, in front of the sub, (she overheard him tell a friend) that he does it to get out of class. His story--it doesn't happen as much as they say.

In the end, because Mrs. H has gone through this exact same thing with her son, medication was being suggested. I've always been against it, but am getting to the point where it may just be necessary.

I leave the conference, head out to the car, get in and commence bawling. I call Big B who is on his way to FL that. Not much he can do while out of town, but I just had to tell him what happened.

I get home and AW comes out to the car, where we sit and heatedly discuss the whole thing.

Long story short, he's on contract. I've notified all teachers involved that they should expect to see a change and if by next Thursday they didn't, further action will be taken.

He will lose his cell phonePERIOD among other things. He will go see our family docPERIOD (I won't get the school invloved because that's not the best way to handle it. It is something we'll handle privately as far as the school system's concerned, because it can get messy otherwise.)

He's got tons of other restrictions as well. If I get reports of improvement and progress he'll get privileges back as time goes on. I've even threatened/promised changing his wardrobe to unifom style, but as I told him when he wigged out on that one...it shouldn't get to that point. Yesterday, after emailing all the teachers, I heard back from one, Mrs. M, the one that's been the most involved. She did give me a good report.

I know I'm forgetting some details, as I've pretty much lost my mind over this,but you get the gist.

AW got a B on his last Algebra test and had a B homework average....but an F in classwork. WTF??? How hard is it to do the work in class to make up a decent grade. Ok, stopping now before I get pissed again.

(The above stories have been copied, pasted and edited from messages I sent to a friend on Facebook.)

All this and nursing school too!

down to one roll

We're down to one roll of toilet paper in our house. We have three bathrooms, and one roll. How can this be you ask? Those of you who've gone through or are going through nursing school may be able to answer that question.

Normally I go grocery shopping every two weeks, or so. I have not gone grocery shopping, I'd like to say, since school started this semester. I may be in error saying that, but i'ts been nearly that long. Now that I think about it, it can't have been 6 weeks. Can it? Nooo.

Anyway, my point is I have very little time for much other than reading and studying these days. This is evident in the reduced frequency of my blog posting.

A prescription for Xanax may be in my near future. Right now I am pretty wound up, as tense as a ball of twine.

We had two tests this week. I passed the one on Monday with an 86 bringing my grade up to just above passing in med/surg. I hope I'm not repeating this info, as that would be wasting precious time. Tuesday we took one on skin, lab and diagnostic testing, and dosage calculations. I received an 88 on it. Wednesday and Thursday were clinicals. I had an easy patient, almost too easy as I was bored a lot of the time. Our clinical instructor is such an awesome teacher.

So this weekend will be spent doing the usual, you guessed it--reading, completing study guides, ATI chapters that pertain to the current subject matter we're studing, reinforcing the info with my Reviews and Rationales books, and participating in the online discussions our instructor has burdened us with.

On a happy note (happy for him, but not for the time it takes from studying--that is horrible to say, but in a world where I would sacrifice going to watch, it's reality) AW is skateboarding with a pro skater tomorrow afternoon in an exhibition. This pro was at the middle school the other day showing off his moves and he asked what the name of a certain stunt was. AW answered correctly and won the opportunity he is so excited about taking part in tomorrow. Seriously I would probably not go if it weren't for the fact that Big B has another obligation tomorrow at the same time. I will admit I have to feel a certain amount of appreciation for this predicament, because I would probably never forgive myself for missing it. You can bet as soon as it's over we'll (he's bringing three friends, one gets to take part in the exhibition as well--one of those you win and you get to choose a friend situations) head straight for home where I'll make a beeline to my books.

Off to shop and then home to study...

lucky number thirteen

September 6th, 1996 Wichita Falls, Texas....in the heat of the summer I gave birth to my second child. It was love before first sight!













A year later we were living in Virginia and celebrating his first birthday. Daddy wasn't present since he was overseas in Kuwait. We were surrounded by friends who had become surrogate family and my mom and dad had come out for the occasion.









Today we celebrate AW's thirteenth birthday. When I asked him what he wanted to do, as I was willing to let him have 10-15 of his friends over for a small party, he declined and said he just wanted to have a couple of friends spend the night. That's exactly what he did. Last night he had two friends stay over, and this morning I made them, along with LB and two of his friends, a big breakfast. AW and his friends are spending the day relaxing and watching movies. This evening we'll take him to a restaurant of his choice for his birthday dinner. So far he hasn't told us of his choice. It's kind of funny how we've gone from the big Chuck E. Cheese parties to low key celebrations where he's happy just hanging out with his closest buds!

Happy 13th Birthday AW!

mind blowing news

Yesterday after Big B arrived home we set out to go to a nearby campground to check out the RV spaces for my father-in-law. He's visiting over Labor Day weekend. The drive takes about 20 or so minutes, so it gave us plenty of time to chit chat about the day's goings on. It actually wasn't that long into the drive that Big B proceeded to inform me of something that had me speechless, flabbergasted more like.

Let's back up a bit though. We moved to Virginia in 2005, coming back from an overseas assignment. We had been stationed in VA prior to our tour in Italy, so we knew we liked the state. We knew we could settle down for a while. Looking toward the future, which is necessary with children, we knew we wanted to be able to keep them grounded in one area so they could at least finish their high school years.

Let's back up even further. I have never lived anywhere longer than 6 1/2 years. My parents moved my brother and I one month before the end of my ninth grade year. In Texas (where we moved from) and Colorado (where we moved to) ninth grade was still part of junior high school. I've never had a problem making friends. That being said who wants to leave friends behind that you've had for 6 1/2 years, the longest span ever? Then who really wants to make friends during the last month of ninth grade knowing those very friends could end up going to a totally different high school than you? This is all not to mention I moved from Texas to Colorado. Can we say "cultural differences"? People in Colorado had me repeat things I said, just to hear me say them again, that's if they understood me the first time. Yee-haw.

I knew I did not want my children to have to be uprooted in such a fashion. In fact I have wanted my children to grow everlasting roots. I revel in the fact that they in fact have done exactly so. We've been very happy settling down in our current place of residence. We've made great friends. The boys are happy. They adjusted with few bumps along the way when we first moved here.

So can you guess the words my husband uttered? the words I didn't think would be uttered ever again? Never say never.

There's a chance that if I get a certain promotion we may need to move to Florida in a year or so.

My very brief, initial reaction was thorough elation as I fell in love with FL when we vacationed there in 2007, and we stayed in the area that we would relocate to, so I know I would like it there.

HOWEVER.

LB is heading into his Junior year of high school this year. Where would that put him in a year or so??? AW will be going into 8th grade. He'll be heading into high school in a year.

LB was my very next thought after that oh so brief moment of selfish elation. I knew the theme for his pleas would be absolute irrefutable refusal to budge.

It was apparent I had to snap out of my shell shock and get on with our task at hand. We took photos of the RV lot, then went on our merry way. We had to run a couple of errands, and then we picked up dinner and headed home. It wasn't until later, but Big B finally informed the boys of the news. I felt it was important to give them a year or so to come around (ha) to the idea.

LB had been over at a friends house, so after we reassured him that this is only a "if" he left in a huff and went back to his friends house [who happens to be a neighbor]. After a few minutes I texted him, asking if he was ok. His reply:

Me: r u ok?
LB: What kinda question is that? Hell no im not okay im serious if we have to move im staying with somebody to go my senior year here. Ill come visit and stuff.

I literally copied/pasted/emailed/copied/pasted his response from my Blackberry to this post. You'll have to excuse his language and grammatical errors. For one I can't say as if I blame him for the language and quite frankly not even I'm picky about grammar on text messages.

In a way his response is sort of funny. It's not shocking in the least.

In some ways I welcome the possibility of relocating. I mean come on, we've been here four years already. My internal nomad feels it's time to wonder off somewhere else. Then there's the fact that we are settled. We could stay here long term, as in for life. That's all not to mention the fact that we are in in-state tuition status considering our soon (time is flying fast) to be college kid.

I'm not ready for him to leave for college and I'm certainly not ready to leave him behind.

AW has come around. After finding out exactly where we would be moving to he said "Let's go now!"

So, that's the news. It's all very iffy right now. Big B has even gotten annoyed with how the boys and I have reacted to it. We'll just have to wait and see.

We'll cross the [relocation] bridge if we come to it.

i've seen better days

weeks even

This week has shaped up to be a rough one as of yet.

Let's start with the highlights:

~AW made it out of the 7th grade. This is wonderful news, albeit it shouldn't be anything out of the ordinary, but when one is unsure if their child will in fact be promoted to the next grade one is happy when it happens.

~Dr. B's office called and left me a voicemail the other day notifying me that I am not menopausal. Great news, but what's up with leaving a message? Isn't that anti-HIPAA? But hey! I'm not menopausal!!

and now I'm drawing a blank

Now the low points:

Monday started out great, until my brother-in-law called. He was calling to get Big B's work phone number because their uncle had passed away the night before. Let's not forget what this past Sunday was...Father's Day. Uncle F had been battling Alzheimer's Disease for several years and had a heart attack amidst his sons and daughters on Sunday, June 21, 2009.

We drove up to NJ Tuesday for the viewing. I was ok until I saw the picture of him and Aunt AM. It's one from back in the day, say about circa 1950. He's in his sailor's uniform, she's all dolled up looking beautiful. The whole Korean War veteran thing got me. We had the military in common, not to mention this man was one of the good ones. Really, he was a devoted husband and father. Sad to see him go.

The funeral was yesterday morning. Afterward they had a brunch at a nearby restaurant and then the guys and I headed back home.

We arrived in time for LB to gather up his baseball gear and head out to the game. Players have to be at home games an hour and a half early. I'm discovering the advantages of him driving. After getting things back in to the house Big B and I headed out to pick up dinner at Subway, and then over to the game. It started out great. LB's been starting Right Fielder for the past several games. He had an off night last night, striking out three times. Actually that was the norm for pretty much everyone. They did get a few hits in but lost 7-5 in the end.

That's another advantage to LB driving,as a matter of fact. When they lose, and/or he doesn't play well he usually ends up grumpy. Well, I didn't have to ride along with him in his grumpiness last night!

Anyway, after dragging AW to all of the games as of late we decided to give him a chance at staying at home by himself again, since he's been behaving somewhat ok, and it's less expensive considering when concession stands are open children tend to think they need to support the local team.

Gave the kid an inch and he took a mile. Let's just say he's ruined his newfound independence and is now relegated to tagging along to this summer's future ballgames.

Seriously, I hate the middle school years. On a serious note, when your child continually does things to try your patience it not only wears your patience down it also wears away at your motherly confidence.

So, in the past 36 hours I've seen a great man's funeral, my eldest son's frustration at playing poorly at baseball (his passion), my youngest's antics as an unruly, near thug-like pre-teen, and oh, yeah, my husband and I have been fighting today!

8 hours til TGIF!

P.S. I am yet again, behind on my studies!

so not ready for it

Big B calls and informs LB, who just had to answer the phone, that his grandfather, my father-in-law, is offering to sell us his 2002 Chevy Malibu for LB to have. Wouldn't it be nice to have random cars sitting around that you could just sell off? That's my F-i-L for ya! Although he has his paper license, that affords him the ability to drive once he's eligible (JUNE 12TH) LB is only eligible to drive legally after that date. He's itching to and practically begs to drive...on that paper license....every chance he gets. I am so not ready for JUNE 12TH. In my eyes JUNE 12TH is kindred to a sort of D-Day.

What happened to my babies?




















Really? Where did those innocent little boys go? AW stands just about eye-to-eye with me. He'll be going into 8th grade this coming school year (God willing he make it out of the 7th grade.)

Earlier today I was thinking to myself "I just can't wait until the end of this summer....until next May...."

So not ready for it

Sure I'll be graduating nursing school...again God willing...

Next May my babies will be looking forward to their Senior (LB) and Freshman (AW) years in high school.

Hug your babies and savor every little tantrum, scrape, smile, hug, school project (those cute projects stop after elementary school), diaper change, potty training episode, little fingers wrapped around yours, pout, first teeth, first time losing teeth, ring around the rosey, stories before bedtime...cherish it all, because in the blink of an eye it's all but a memory.

otto giorni

eight days

That's all that's left until I become a second year nursing student. Of course that's all bearing on my passing my classes, which at this point isn't much of an issue.

Looking back, sometimes it seemed as if time was standing still. Other times it seemed to be rushing past like a marathon runner.

I still have a considerable amount of things to do to tie up this semester. I have to continue studying for my ATI tests. Then I take them this Friday. So far everyone is passing. Some are even getting really good scores back. Sixty-five is all that's needed to pass, and right now I'll be happy with just that. It would be nice to come away with a high score, but I'm not striving for it. That may sound bad, but it's more about the reality I am living right now. I don't have the time, haven't had the time, to study as much as would be necessary to score highly. Life happens, and let's face it I live with teen and pre-teen boys. If it's not baseball or some other activity, it's some new challenge we're facing with the need for wings to be outstretched and boundaries to be tested. I won't go into details of the latest trials and tribulations. Let's just say my skin should be as thick as an elephants by the time both my boys leave home!

I also need to finish up my careplan, and study for finals.

That mountain of mulch is still sitting on my driveway, even though I put a dent into it yesterday morning. I wont get to it this week as Big B is out of town, and I am therefore playing mom and dad. We have two home baseball games to go to, but as usual they'll be used as study relief. I also have to be the resident taxi driver from baseball practice/lacrosse games tonight.

I've been taking my antibiotics, so my sinus infection is resolved. The Prilosec isn't doing much for the suspected GERD/lump in throat feeling I have when I swallow. The referral for a barium swallow is still sitting on my desk, so I suppose I can always reschedule. I do go back for a follow-up to my PCP on the 6th, and will address the issue with her.

Our last two clinical days are this week. When I've gone to dress my resident I've always had trouble finding socks for her. Today I had to pick up a few things and bought a bunch of cute, and colorful pairs for her to keep. I meant to do her nails last week as they're pretty jagged and in desperate need of filing, so I also bought a 7-in-1 file that files, buffs, and does all sorts of good things. One of my nursing diagnoses has been social isolation r/t diminished mental capacity AEB limited social interactions, so I've been changing her brief, dressing her and assisting her into her geri-chair and then we head out into the halls. We visit others who happen to wonder by, and go and look outside or sit by the aviary and watch the birds. This week I'll do nail care, and then we'll venture out for some socialization. Thursday we'll be having a little get-together with the staff and residents to say good-bye. It'll be bittersweet since so many of us are so done with the semester, but at the same time we've grown somewhat attached to our residents.

back to work...

brotherly wonders

As I was taking a brief moment of relaxation (very much needed after the mood I came home in from clinicals today) I happened to look out the back windows, from which we can see a good portion of our backyard and the common area beyond, and I caught a glimpse of something near miraculous. My two sons, who are two completely different human beings, were outside playing football together, with some other boys. I had to catch it on film, and even though the photos aren't of the greatest quality I wanted to share them anyway. I've also included two photos I took yesterday with my Blackberry. With all the rain we've had lately the clouds have been nothing short of amazing. I think one of the things I'd like to do with my free time once this semester is over, is to go out and spend some time just taking pictures of some of my favorite things

no rest for the weary

Yesterday we took our 3rd exam for Nur108, Nursing Concepts and Principles. Many of us were left feeling broken and abused. Evidently there were about 5 questions that ended up being, well...questionable because I went from an 80 to a 90. That would be one point away from failing to a high B. I'll take it. From the sounds of it I had one of the highest grades. That sounds pretty crazy to me, even now, because as soon as I'd finished the test and turned it in I thought for sure I was going to see a lot more wrong answers than I did. Even crazier is the fact that I didn't study as much as I should have! Remember, last week....little motivation...

Today we took our 3rd mental health nursing exam and it was a more pleasant experience than yesterday's. I'm extremely happy with my grade, which is also a 90. If nothing else I'm consistent. Once again I didn't put as much effort into studying the material as I should have. I'm not going to complain though, just do better time management and learn from my complacency.

My complacency, lack of motivation, whatever, caused me to have a near anxiety attack on Sunday. It dawned on me that we only have 6 weeks left in the semester until finals week! If final exams aren't bad enough we have two ATI tests to look forward to, one for fundamentals, and the other for mental health. I'm not a big fan of the ATI modules so I've actually ordered a couple of other books to help me prepare. I'm going to have to focus on the end prize. Short-term we're talking the end of the second semester of nursing school, and long-term would be becoming a nurse and living out a dream.

Tomorrow we start our clinical rotation at the nursing home. My classmates and I are somewhat disgruntled because not a one of us feels like we're prepared to walk into our perspective LTC facility tomorrow. I have angst over not knowing if I'm supposed to look forward to the first couple days being spent as basically a shadow or are we supposed to jump right in and take over. If that's the case, well um...hello???

Oh, geez...can we say nervous?



I also have to condition the boys into getting up a tad-bit earlier than usual so I can get out the door and not have to worry about someone oversleeping and missing school. There isn't a lot of parking at the place we'll be working at, and so we've been advised to carpool. A classmate has offered to meet us at the local grocery store parking lot so we can pile in and head over. Well, depending on how the boys do will be the deciding factor in my being a participant in said carpool, at least in the beginning. By skippy the boys will learn after this week what's expected of them on Wednesday and Thursday mornings!

Friday I have an interview at one of the local hospitals for a summer position as a nurse extern. I ended up only applying at two hospitals, the two closer ones to be exact. This summer I also have to take A&P II, since the school only awarded me credit for A&P I from my prior A&P class. When I took it it was a one semester, 5 credit class, whereas now it's a two semester, 8 credit class, so I have to make up the 3 missing credits. I also have to take nutrition and development. My school isn't offering A&P II at all, at either campus. One of the other local community colleges is offering what is probably my best option, considering I am planning to extern, and that is an online A&P course! It may sound somewhat daunting, but after taking the plethora of online courses I have, I know I will manage. One of my instructors also informed me she's going to be offering an online section for the N&D class.

The only problem is with the two classes I need to take I am left taking a total of 5 credits this summer. To keep my student loans from my BS degree in deferred status I have to maintain half-time status. Normally that would mean 6 credits. I do need to clarify that it's the same for summer classes. If it is than I need to come up with one more credit. Other CCs are offering other nutrition classes, for more credits, so I may take that route. I also still need Developmental Psych, (yes, even with a degree in psych, I've never take Dev Psych)! I plan to CLEP out of it.

I'm so tired I am bailing on the family baseball player for the second night in a row. Last night I bailed to stay home and study, that and the fact that the game was quite far away. Tonight's game is even further and it is still so cold out that I've decided to play the part of the errant parent. I still have drug cards to write up too. I feel horrible though. Last night I misssed two awesome plays made by LB, and will probably miss more tonight. I don't usually do this, but I guess this would be one of the mom-is-a-nursing-student-sacrfices I knew I would be faced with on this journey. Still doesn't make it feel any better.

LB has ended up playing on the JV team, much to his pleasure. I think he got kind of irritated with the Varsity team because they weren't as cohesive a team as the JV group. He'll see way more playing time on JV anyway. Selfishly speaking I prefer the JV team since I know more of the parents, and a couple of them are some of my closest friends. One mom and I met and have become friends because our boys have been on the same teams together for a few years now. She's bailing too, because of the cold. Heck, it's nearly 6:30 p.m. and 48 degrees out! Don't get me wrong, if it were a home game I'd be there!


It's time to take my weary behind and go write up the rest of my drug cards!

spring anyone?

Here it is my Spring Break and it's cold, dreary and wet outside. It's just as well since I should be inside reading and studying and working on my drug cards anyway. But phooey on Mother Nature! She needs to make up her mind. Cold, hot, rainy, sunny, one day-you blink and it's a differnet climate! I do need to head out in a bit and mail off my package for one of my externships. It came together quite nicely after spending a couple of hours getting everything together on Saturday.

Well I can hardly contain my excitement any longer. I did it. I finally got what I've been wanting for what seems like eons. My Blackberry. Smiles, grins....I thanked the guy at the AT&T store when we left yesterday, and called him Santa Claus. That's how it felt, like Christmas morning. The boys got new phones also. Big B chose not to at this point. He's not into all the gadgetry or anything and is happy with his Samsung. We all had the same phones at one point, up until I broke LB's. Nevermind why or how. I did replace it with a GoPhone, and he's been itching ever since to upgrade and get back to having a camera and multimedia capabilities. The boys couldn't have made it any easier either. Of course I knew what I wanted walking in to the place, since I've not only given my phone/pda some thought, but I'd also stopped by the store last week. Since Big B is the primary person on the account he had to go, and the boys wanted to finally get their new phones. They had them picked out in less than fifteen minutes, if it was even ten! They both chose the Pantech Matrix, one in blue and one in black. Betcha can't guess who got the black one? Yep, AW and all his emo-ness. Yesterday evening was spent playing with our new phones, adding ringtones, and just revelling in the novelty.


Speaking of "emo-ness", I've pretty much decided to let AW get what he wants. One of the best pieces of advice I've received as parent is to pick my battles. AW has been dying to dye his hair black. When he first asked I laughed and said "Not only no, but hell no!" I informed him that there are tons of people out there who try to attain the beautiful blond hair that he grows out of his head naturally. As time has worn on I've come to realize it is his hair and although there are boundaries we will not cross while the boys are under ther age of 18, things that can be replaced, repaired, what have you, tend to be the battles that I choose not to fight to the death over. Tattoo requests, for instance, will be met with an emphatic NO, and there won't be any budging. He has pretty much come around to not dying his whole head of hair black, but maybe some chunks of it, but he also wants purple chunks. (???) One thing is for sure, when your kids make requests like this it's high time to write up behavior contracts. If you are allowed to have your hair dyed...you will do such and such... The best part about this is the haircut! He wants to get his haircut!! He'll be subjected to having pictures taken along this whole process. You know, I'd never have thought I'd have a son that was more into his hair than I am into mine! To be continued...

indications for retail therapy

I should really be studying for Wednesday's pharm final, but it's been a few days since I've posted so here I sit typing away to my heart's desire. This past weekend was spent studying and it was fruitful to say the least.

Let me back up for a bit though. Last year I had to take basically a full year of math. First it was Introductory Algebra, since I placed that low on the university (where I recently graduated with my B.S. in psyc) placement exam. It wasn't good enough that I had taken remedial-get-your-high-school-equivalency-credit when I first returned to college in 1999. Nope, not for this brain--too much time had passed. Then after Intro I had to take Intermediate Algebra. I actually went back to the U after finishing Intro and attempted the placement exam again in hopes of placing into College Algebra. WRONG! I had yet another grueling semester of algebra to look forward to, fortunately I had one of the best professors ever. Mary D was one of the most positive and inspiring people I've ever learned from...ever. Mind you, since we've been back to the states, up until I started my nursing classes, so from 2005 until 2008 (in finishing my psych degree) all my classes were online and a deadbeat Prof can make or break a class! Finally last spring I was able to take College Algebra, which I finished with an A, and in the summer I took Statistics for Psych (that Prof left a lot to be desired in a prof), but I believe I came away with an A or a B in that class so what the heck, who gives.

Anyway. What's with all the mathematical babble? I obviously somewhere in all those semesters of algebra learned about ratio and proportion. For the life of me I could not figure it out the other day when one of my classmates tried showing me how to do it in relation to a heparin drip problem. I basically (iffy, to say the least) got it. I sat down with my textbook, which was no help. It just further confused me. I have the book, Math for Nurses and found my lightbulb moment contained within. Seriously. It's as if the lights all over the country went out...and came back on all at once. Originally our professor had shown us a different formula for heparin drips, that was just little bit more labor intensive, and well once my classmate had pointed out the ole ratio:prop method, I had to give it, and him, well...props! Now that I am hip to the whole scheme of things, I'm cool!

Friday, we didn't do anything over-the-top for LB's birthday, even if it was his 16th. All he wanted to do was go skating. This was much to my displeasure even if it was the much less expensive option in comparison to what we (I) had originally planned, which was taking him and some of his friends out to dinner, restaurant of his choice, of course. Whatever. I will give him tons of credit for what did happen in the later part of the night. He and his one friend made an extremely wise choice. He intended on having three friends stay over, only two ended up staying through the whole night. To make a long story short, and what's turning out to be a novel, even shorter, two of the boys decided to sneak out with a fifth boy who had come to pick them up, unlicensed, in his own parents' car. They were out past curfew and got busted. One of the two who snuck out, and also lives across the street ended up at home, the other ended up back in our house. Kudos to my son and the other kid who chose to stay behind. Good on them!

Saturday was the first varsity "game", in all actuality it was a scrimmage. Our team lost. LB played the last two innings. He's the only sophomore, so it's what we expected. We hope for him to play more as the season goes on. One of his previous coaches gave him a glowing compliment on how he has improved over the time this coach has known him. Tomorrow I will take a short break from the studying as we have "Meet the Coaches" night for all the spring sports at the high school. We'll get to meet all the coaches that are working with LB. We've only really met one of them. We'll also do all the parenty (yes, I meant "parenty") kind of stuff like assign meals and such, whatever that means.

It's also a big day tomorrow because it's our orientation for our clinical placement at the long term care facility. I'll be ironing my uniform tonight (sorry, you can take the girl out of the military, but not the military out of the girl-besides it's that stiff-ass white scrub material crap). I have my notebook, 4x6 cards to write up my drug cards, because we have to write them-grr- and all my other little supplies, not that we really need anything tomorrow other than our notebook and pen, oh and our badge. I'm the nerd who's had her's in her purse since, oh, about day 15, first semester.

Wednesday's the big Pharm test...might've mentioned that a time or a hundred...and ten.

Thursday I am partaking in some much needed retail therapy. I want some new shoes of the sandal variety, and some new tops, and maybe some new capris also. Oh, and maybe a new purse too! Besides school I've been putting up with a lot as far as dealing with living in a house full of b-o-y-s-es, and I deserve some mommy/girl time!!!

dude! sweet!

LB in his makeshift, portable bassinet we made out of a laundry basket.
Sixteen years ago I did the last thing I thought I would've done if you'd have asked me about two years before, I gave birth. Fortunately it was one of the best things I've done, as he is my sunshine and one of the reasons I have for living and breathing. He greets you with a warm smile, and is always willing to wrap you in a big bear hug. LB was born March 6, 1993 in Minot, ND. He works hard to do the right thing, always doing his chores when asked (even if it takes a few minutes to get started), maintains good grades and is just a nice kid to be around. He's the kind of kid that makes a mom and dad proud!




Happy Birthday LB!!

bittersweet redemption

re-demp-tion
an act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed; deliverance.

There comes a point when your son starts playing baseball at the age of four or five that you start dreaming of him playing for high school someday. As the years go on you see a natural athlete blossom and you're almost assured that your dreams will be fulfilled his freshman year. He not only plays baseball proving his athletic abilities, but also basketball, soccer and flag football. Soccer would be his next favorite sport to play, and if baseball didn't seem to be a calling than soccer would surely fit the bill for his needs. Baseball is in his heart. He loves the Dodgers. He loves the game.

In 1998 LB started playing baseball. He never played teeball, as it wasn't an option on the base where we were living at the time. They offered coach pitch, so Big B took the reins and started up a team with me in tow as the team mom. Even though I often dreamed that LB would play high school ball someday there were often times that I didn't think he'd ever play again. If you have small children you might know how stubborn they can be when they do not want to do something! No way, no how...nu uh! I guess that's a memory I can look back on with some pride in our parenting abilities knowing we made him stick it out, not letting him quit.

Last year, his freshman year in high school, my dreams were shattered in an instant as we refreshed the school website page the team roster was being uploaded onto. Tryouts had been extended because weather last year around this time was bad, so we were already exhausted. That last night after we picked LB up we headed over to Subway for a quick bite to eat and then headed home. We knew that in the time we'd taken to eat and go home that they might have started to enter the roster online so we checked. The varsity team had already been picked and there was no chance he was going to be on it anyway so we went directly to the JV page. Sure enough, there were a couple of names. We kept refreshing and as we got closer to our name alphabetically, the anticipation grew. If you haven't figured it out by now I am a pretty emotional person. At this point I'm pretty much in panic mode. Then it happens. The kids name who would be after ours shows up and I immediately burst into tears. Yeah, not good. Not good for LB, the kid who's trying to put up a brave front, and not let this utter disappointment get to him. But of course his freak of a mother is well, freaking out. Oopsy. I sorry.

We can look back and laugh about it now. Wholeheartedly.

Cuz, guess what!? Tryouts ended yesterday, after the regularly scheduled three days of cold, but sunny weather. I went and picked him up and we came home. This year we're exhausted, but for other reasons. Me? Well...because I'm a nursing student for gosh sakes! The guys? Well, because they're...well, guys. So we ordered Dominos.

Big B and AW were upstairs rearranging AW's room to accomodate the larger than life drum set, and LB and I were cruising Facebook as we were awaiting our gourmet cuisine.

While on Facebook I had updated my status and commentary ensued:
status: ...is waiting on pins and needles
friend: It's more comfortable to wait on the couch
me: Baseball tryouts were the past three days and we're waiting on the roster
other friend: They're posting them right now!
me: ..., you made me scream, no lie!

I did. I screamed. Sad, sad, woman. Of course LB and I are rushing to get on the school website, he on one computer and I on the other. This time we go straight for varsity, since it's the first list anyway. And wouldn't you know it there was his name!

HE MADE VARSITY!!!

So we keep refreshing since the list was somewhat short and although it's alphabetical, it's not being entered as such. The names were being entered any whichaway, ending up alphabetized. He is one of 14 players on the team, and the only sophomore!

Once again I will say it, hard work pays off!

Last year after he didn't make the team, along with his friends who also didn't, we were able to get them all on the same county recreational team. They won the championships! LB also played for our local American Legion post, went to the University of VA summer camp, and played for the non-sanctioned school fall ball team. Basically, he played baseball all year long last year. He really must have improved in his skills, more than he would admit. In fact before yesterday, if you asked him he probably would've said he sucks at baseball. Go figure.

Like I said, he's the only sophomore that made the varsity team. So after the elation (instead of instant tears it was instant delirious laughter from me of which the guys had to tell me to shut up) wore off we kept refreshing the varsity page and once we knew the roster was complete we went to the JV page. We saw the names added, at random as the varsity had been, yet still alphabetically. As your kids grow and bring friends home you come to care for some of their friends. They become like surrogate children. All but two of the boys who didn't make the team last year, did make the team(s)this year. It's sad for both, but one especially and anyone's heart would break knowing the heart this kid has for the game.

Redemption is bittersweet.

I feel the greatest pride for my own son. I did give him the speech about going in to school today just like anyday, and to not let his head swell, but to remain humble. I can't help but feel sad for the other boy, who is like a son to me, who has to go in to school today with a broken heart and shattered dreams.