fading fast

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. That sounds somewhat morbid, and probably a bit dramatic, but hey...roll with it.

Ten years. Ten years this coming August I will have been going to school, off and on...for ten years. That doesn't include the year I spent in medical assistant school from '97-'98. I know I've whined about this before, but seriously, I am so very burned out and these summer classes aren't helping.

Yesterday evening, as thunderstorms were setting in, the boys and I were doing our thing. Them, well they were doing what teenage boys do, texting, watching TV, checking the 'net (until I shut down the computers--as Chef Gordon Ramsay would say, "SHUT IT DOWN!!"), periodically arguing, all-the-while avoiding any homework that might need to be done and so on. Who says men can't multitask?

As for me? I was doing homework. At one point, as the power flickered off and then back on, I sat there thinking about how much fun it would be to go off and build a fort and tell ghost stories. Well, I don't even know if the boys would have gone for the idea. I'll never know, it seems. I had homework to do. You see, I've fallen a bit behind in my week's studies, so it was imperative I took some time last night to play catch up. As it was, since I'd shut down the computers, I had to do some of the work via my Blackberry. No, I don't have a laptop.

If I do go on with my schooling I will have to invest in a laptop. That's beside the point.

I say "if" because part of me would like to throw in the proverbial white towel on school. Some might see it as quitting, and literally it would be, but I would see it as taking a hiatus. It's never too late to go back.

Part of me wants to just work. It would be so nice to bring in an income and be able to accomplish some of those things that we can't, not on one income. I don't want to live in this house forever. The bathrooms are too small, we don't have a garage (or much storage, for that matter) and I would like a little more space between us and the neighbors. I know I shouldn't be complaining as there are people who are homeless or are losing there livelihoods. It is my blog and I'll complain if I want to!

Seriously though, there are several things in the house that need repair or updating. We've replaced carpet in two rooms, and the others need to be done. A long while back Big B ran the dishwasher with regular soap, it overflowed, and now the hardwood flooring under it (and quite possibly the subflooring) needs repair. The peninsula in the kitchen needs lighting. As it is when I work there I have to turn on the dining area light along with the kitchen light. Everything about the upstairs bathrooms needs refurbishing/updating. Everything. The Berber carpeting out in the great room, well let's just say it's n longer beige. It's Dalmatian. I would like to take the hardwoods and continue them through the dining area and on into the great room. We've talked about replacing the Formica countertops in the kitchen with granite or something to that effect. The bedrooms need to to repainted. All that and the landscaping needs to be finished. That will be the only thing accomplished in the near future.

More importantly I am still hung up on what I am missing with my kids. What more needs to be said about that? Sure, I'd be tired after working a long day, but aren't I already tired and having to study?

Yes, I would have to finish my summer classes. It would behoove me to do so anyway. If I were to take a "hiatus" and later decided to go back to nursing school I would still need these classes.

What intimidates me about staying in school? (There's always that too.) Besides the hours spent studying, there's always the risk of failure.

What do I want? Not even I know at the moment.

restless mind

Undoubtedly, the subject of insomnia is bound to come up at some point while one is in nursing school. It may be covered in psych class. It may even come up when reading about the nervous system while studying anatomy and physiology. Classmates may just proclaim they're experiencing many nights where they find themselves unable to sleep, unable to relax even.

Insomnia by itself is not a medical condition. It is a symptom caused by a myriad of possible diseases or disorders. When an individual experiences inability to fall asleep or wakes up during the night and is unable to return to a restful slumber they are experiencing insomnia.

It only makes sense that insomnia will intrude upon a person's sleep pattern when that person is experiencing high levels of stress. Stress, as well as anxiety are major causes of insomnia. Any nursing student can attest to the fact that nursing school equates to exorbitant levels of stress and anxiety.

Other factors induce episodes of insomnia. Sleeping in the same room with an individual who suffers from sleep apnea can cause disruptions for the unaffected partner. Seasonal changes, such as those causing hay fever, may awaken one during the night rendering them uncomfortable enough to fall back asleep. Everyday concerns might make it hard to fall asleep, or to get back to sleep after awakening.

Most nursing students lead lives more complicated than the role of nursing student defines them as. Many are parents, many work, and some have both familial and work obligations on top of the need to study for endless hours for that fluids and elctrolytes exam. Whatever the obligations, it all piles up and can lead to many a restless night.




I do not work outside of the home; however, plentiful responsibilites within beckon my name. I am the nursing student who sleeps with Darth Vader, aka Big B, the man with sleep apnea. If you've ever heard a CPAP machine you understand where I'm coming from. I also occasionally awaken because of allergy symptoms. There are many nights I have trouble falling asleep because a million and one thoughts are racing through my mind.

Just last night I awakened in the wee hours of the morning and those very thoughts inhibited my return to dreamland. In fact, that episode of insomnia is the catalyst for this post.

My episodes of insomnia are mainly anxiety related, if you hadn't figured that out by now. Big B asked me the other day why I don't ask to be put on something like Ambien. It's a good question. I do take diphenhydramine periodically.

The other night I woke up hot, and sweaty. It occured to me that it might be night sweats. For a woman my age that right there is enough to cause anxiety. It very well could be I am perimenopausal. Just skimming through information on perimenopause I see that I am riddled with a lot of the classic signs and symptoms.

Just wonderful. If nothing else that will keep me up at night. I guess I have plenty to talk to the OBGYN I'm seeing on the 15th about.

i can see for miles and miles and...

I've made my appointments for the otolaryngologist (ENT), OBGYN and gastroenterology and I must say, along with the traveling involved with American Legion baseball (yep, that's started up now), I am going to be seeing many, many miles over the next month!

June 8th, I see the ENT, in case I've caught you unaware, for my lump in throat feeling I've been experiencing for nearly 3 months now. According to Mapquest, it will take me an hour and 3 minutes to travel the 48.74 miles from home.

June 15th, I see the OBGYN, to get my OCPs/menstrual migraines/PMS under control. This trip will take 42 minutes, with a distance of 34 miles.

June 23rd, (if the ENT can't figure it out) I'll be seeing the GI doc. Thirty minutes, 24 miles.

blurry world

This morning I had planned on going to take Exam 1 for A&PII.

Let's back up a bit first, before I get on with my day. Last January we replaced one of the tires on our Chevy, because it had a hole in it. This January we replaced two others because of wear and tear. The other day Big B notices that the remaining tire, from when we bought the car in late 2007, was really low on air. He suspects there is a slow leak in it.

Sure enough!

This morning I get in to make my journey up north, about 40 minutes, to go take my test. (I had it planned just right--so that I'd be able to test and then head over to my ophthalmologist appointment.) As soon as I turn on the ignition the computer tells me to "check the RR tire". So I complied. It was at 12 psi. 12 psi!?!?!

Without panicking I headed to our local gas station (think Mayberry). I attempt to add air, but it's been a while since I've had to do that. I go in to find out what I'm doing wrong, and the lady who works there comes out and fills the tire to 35 psi. By this time I don't have time to go take the test first.

I really wanted to take that test first, before getting my eyes poked and prodded and my pupils dilated!!

There's a reason I named my blog Order and Chaos!

Ever had your pupils dilated? Ever attempted to take an exam, via computer after said pupils have been dilated? This is all not to mention how Dr. Poke and Prod had to manipulate my eyeball and skin around it, to inspect for any retinal tears. And this is all after getting the yellow dye dropped in. Final diagnosis is that I do indeed have a floater, and to live with it for another 2-3 months to see if gravity will take care of it. Otherwise, or if it worsens, I'm supposed to see Dr. Poke and Prod again.

As it was I didn't walk into the community college--the one I've never been to, but had to go to because it's where I'm taking A&PII from--with eyes that looked as jaundiced as a cirrhosis patient's! I did walk in with a left eye surrounded by reddened skin!

I did take that exam with blurry vision. If I didn't live so far away, and hadn't arranged to take it today whilst being in the same area for my appointment, I wouldn't have taken it.

live for experiences

Firefox
What an experience this has been! After praising Firefox I soon ate my words. For the life of me I was unable to post here on Blogger while on Firefox, or even Internet Explorer, yet had no problem saving on Verizon Yahoo. VY is a browser I don't care to use now that I've found Firefox. I've had a lot of problems with VY and now that I know Blackboard works best with Firefox it is my browser of choice. Since I'm taking online classes through Blackboard and spend so much time on it it seemed fitting to stick with Firefox. When I tried posting and would click on the "save" button it would go to dark gray and say "saving" but it wouldn't stop, and it wasn't saving. To fix the problem I had to go in and change the name of the cookie file for Firefox.

A Friend in Need
Back in late January I'd posted about aiding and abetting someone who left their husband. The adulteress is still out West. It's not a match made in Heaven by any means. It seems she and Romeo are having their fair share of difficulties. Whatever. They are not my concern. I do not have time for the drama that festers there.

Big B and I (more so Big B than I) have taken to making sure our Friend is ok from time to time. Last night was one of those times. Big B and I had dropped LB off at the Relay (more on that to follow) and then took advantage of the gift cards Big B had one in a trivia game, to Outback Steakhouse. After returning home Big B called Friend and invited him over for some beer. Friend brought Jim...Jim Beam. We started out inside watching the Nascar race, as they're both fans. Then Friend decided to go out on the patio for a smoke, and we all ended up out there for the remainder of the evening. Big B stuck with his beer, Friend had Jim and Cokes, and I attempted to make a Whiskey Sour substitute. I used the JB, Coke, and Apple Pucker Schnapps we have in our house, the only sour liquor we have. Eh, it wasn't quite the same, but it was drinkable. We lit the fire in our fire pit, AW and his friend came out and made smores, and we all had a fun, relaxing evening.

Relay for Life
Every year our county puts on a Relay for Life event. LB decided to take part and joined one of his friend's teams. They've been working on the arrangements and made team t-shirts, after school. Last night all their work came to fruition for the main event.

I guess neither he, nor I, had said anything about this to Big B. So of course after we'd dropped LB off and sat down at the restaurant he started asking about it. I pulled out my handy dandy Blackberry to look up the event list so he could read it.

While looking at the list I recognized the name of the speaker as someone who I thought may have been a young woman who'd just lost her mother recently to cancer. I wasn't quite sure because the name listed was her full first name, and she usually goes by her initials. I texted LB to find out and sure enough it was her. Wow.

I had to hold back tears because being a very visual person I envisioned her up there speaking amongst the good-sized crowd I knew was in attendance, and how raw her grief still must be, that and the fact that I didn't want to ruin mine and Big B's dinner.

I can't help but feel a slight connection to the girl and her family, although I don't really know them. The time I actually did meet her I probably wont forget because it was so comedic. We were at a mutual friend's house one night for a party. I was in attendance as one of the parent chaperones, if you will. She, another girl, and I ended up in line at the powder room. I know the other girl, since she knows LB. The other girl introduced me to her as this is "LB Studmuffin's (name changed to preserve semi-anonymity) mom". The girl pipes up and says "I'm the eagle!" She happens to be the cheerleader who plays the part of the high school's mascot. She was so cute and endearing when she said it.

The connection I speak of is only felt since reading the girl's mom's obituary. It turns out she'd spent some time in the military and we have that in common, that and being mothers.

I texted and told LB, after he'd confirmed it was the girl I thought it was, that when she gave her speech he needed to listen to her. Somehow I don't think he would have had a choice as I'm sure everyone there would be silent and listening.

Colorful
The experiences of the past few days wouldn't be complete if I didn't tell of the colorful experience AW and I had the other night. Since before we had AW's hair dyed black he's been asking to put color in it as well. He at first wanted red, as in fire-engine red, but then changed his mind to blue. Earlier this month we had bought the bleaching powder, developer and the blue dye, but because he was having trouble with his grades Big B and I refused to succumb to his wishes. Since then he's been working hard to try and get his grades up, and I thought it was time to reward him.

I am not a colorist. We do not have a hair washing sink. Like a dumbass I started the process later in the evening Friday. That all adds up to YOU SHOULD NOT GET WITHIN ONE HUNDRED FEET OF YOUR SON'S HAIR WITH ANY TYPE OF CHEMICALS. The things we do for our kids...and to save a buck.

Talk about comedic occurrences. I decided it was best to touch his roots up with the black dye before bleaching the small section of hair he wanted dyed blue. After the first process, when it was time to rinse the black dye out, he had to get into the shower with his boxer shorts on and I stood there for a very long time rinsing...and rinsing...and rinsing some more. After towel drying his hair I applied the bleach paste to the small section we had tied off. I decided rather than chance burning his hair I would only leave it on for about 20 minutes, tops. Dumb move #225.


When it was time to apply the clue dye, I'd forgotten to grab a pair of gloves, which of course I do have.




Oh, and when it says "do not apply to scalp" you should really heed that warning!! And maybe, just maybe if you leave the bleach on longer therefore lightening the hair sufficently yo just might end up with blue hair and not ....






Live and Learn

Yet I'm able to post comments. Am I in the Twilight zone again?!

Having trouble posting. It says "saving" terminally and doesn't save. I'm also unable to log out, as it goes right back to the dashboard. Seems to be a Blogger problem.

let dusk ascend

Ever have one of those days where you feel out of sorts? thoroughly discombobulated? That was my day, today. It probably doesn't help that I awakened in the wee hours of the morning, 2 a.m. to be exact. Rather than lie there fitfully trying to go back to sleep I decided to do what I do when insomnia strikes and that is to get on the computer. Module 1A & B were due today for psych class, and I had a bit left to go before it was finished. That I did. After checking my usual stuff on the 'net, I set out to finish writing up what was left.

That has to be the worst thing about not having a laptop. It can get incredibly uncomfy sitting here at the computer desk all day. I could never work at a desk job, that's for sure!

Anyway...

By the time I'd finished it was about 4:30 a.m. and I went into Blackboard, which is our online classroom forum. Wouldn't you know it when I tried submitting the assignment it kept shooting an error message at me, "please enter a valid file".

Excuse moi?!?! I haven't spent hours on this for you to call it invalid!!!

By this time I'd grown weary and decided rather than have a complete and utter meltdown that I would head back to bed. My thought processes at that time were to the effect of, maybe by the time I wake up later in the morning, whatever this glitch is will have miraculously worked itself out.

Wrong!

Because I have to supervise the boys in their morning routine (from my bed) it was about 6:45 a.m. by the time I'd fallen back to sleep. A lot of times I only sleep for about an hour to an hour and 1/2 tops. I slept until 9:45 a.m.!!! That right there is a major reason for my discombobulation, most assuredly!

Miracles didn't happen in the world of Blackboard and of course the assignment wouldn't upload in my later attempts. Grr. I'd emailed my professor earlier, and had received one back. She referred me to the man who is now my favorite techie!! He ended up having to submit the assignment for me after I'd attached it in an email to him. He told me to download Mozilla Firefox, because Blackboard usually works better with it.

Where has Firefox been all my life!!?? Certainly not on my computer, but boy am I glad SuperTechie pointed me to it! Normally I use Verizon Yahoo as my browser, and when it doesn't work for me (which happens quite often) I switch to IE.

I am now converted and happily so!

My whole morning had been thrown off though. Originally I was supposed to go up north and take my first exam for A&PII today. Since I have my opthalmologist appointment in a nearby location to where I have to go for my exam Monday, yesterday I emailed my professor and asked if it was ok to take my exam then. Gas prices are rising for some gosh-darned reason, ya know! And who wants to drive all that way? Certainly not me! Big B's the commuter of the family and we're keeping it that way. (I really hope to not be eating those very words next year about this time, if I have difficulties finding a job nearby).

I just couldn't shake the weird feeling I had all morning. Actually I still feel like my moons aren't in line or something. Harumph!

I either need some serious retail therapy, a vacation, a day at a spa, or heck maybe even psychotherapy! If you've read this entire post...bless you!

final decision

As many of you that have been with me since the inception of my blog know I had thought about transferring from my current program to a different program.

After careful consideration I have chosen to stick with my current program.

WHY?!?!?!

I'll gladly fill you in:

*current program is not privately accredited, although it is state approved
This still holds true. This issue is still important to me, but I believe things are changing. Will it happen during the next (my final) year? I cannot answer that.

*current program is on the July '08 State Board of Nursing report as being one of the programs in the state with a less than 80% NCLEX pass rate
I believe my class, and maybe even the class that just graduated, may be the benchmark for exceeding the pass rate of the July '08 report.

*current program in a state of transition due to previous instructors leaving just prior to classes starting this August
This turned out to be a blessing.

*One of the replacement instructors walked out after being forced to by the second year students because they didn't like her teaching style(yeah, that speaks volumes about so much, but it is not what is at issue here).
Good riddance.

*The dean of nursing, who has been teaching our intro class, has not been able to answer questions from us students, that a dean should be able to answer. Examples of such a question include general information about ATI testing, or information about classes of the upcoming semester.
We no longer deal with the Dean as she's gone back to her perch at the main campus. Any questions I've had since have been, or are being, addressed.

*The instructor who came back is actually an awesome teacher, but it's not certain she will remain past the spring semester.
She is remaining as adjunct faculty, and will be teaching the Cardiac portion of material during our 3rd semester.

*When we've been taught skills we're taught one day, tested the following week, and that's it. Those skills are not re-visited, at all, the rest of the semester. There is no skills final. Because of my previous medical training (Air Force medic, and Medical Assistant) I am ok with this, so far. What about later when we're learning other skills that are new even to me? I can't imagine being one of the students in this program who have no experience. Some of them have voiced their concerns over not being sure about their vital signs skills.
What's done is done. The program is being revamped for improvement.

*This semester we were in lecture a total of three hours(two for intro and one for basic skills), and lab 5-6 hours, during the "on" weeks. Our intro class was a "hybrid" class and the off weeks were spent online answering some sort of nursing related question:
The nursing process is defined as being composed of five phases: assess, diagnose, plan, implement, and evaluate. Which of these phases do you believe is most important to the delivery of high quality nursing care, and to the achievement of positive client outcomes? Do not respond that all of the phases are equally important – that evades the question. Demonstrate critical thinking in the argument you present to support one phase over the others.
The (worthless) "intro" class we took is no longer a part of the program. Classes have been switched around.

*one hour a week dedicated to basic skills?
They've increased the amount of time dedicated to Nur 105-Basic Nursing Skills lecture from 1 to 3 hours, and lab remains at 6 hours. Pharmacology has been moved from second semester, and only half semester in length, to the first semester. It runs through the entire length of the semester.

*next semester we have two hours for Nursing Principles and Concepts I, six hours for its lab, 1 hour for Principles of Pharmacology, and two hours for Mental Health Nursing. Supposedly this semester they were extending the latter two to span the whole semester, whereas in the past they've been eight week courses, first pharm, and then mental health. I've heard they'll be changing it back?
Once again, what's done is done. In my opinion Mental Helth could have been a hybrid, if not only online class, but that's just because of the way it was taught.

*We start our first clinicals this spring, after which we will no longer be in lab. So we'll go from 6 hours of lab a week, to only clinicals Wednesdays and Thursdays 6:30a-12:30p.
Quite frankly clinicals went well (we learned tons) and I don't think having lab time during would have been anything more than redundant and exhausting. Real world experience beats out working on dummies any day!

*there is no availability for open lab to practice
Wouldn't you know it, they've opened up the lab for summertime use! Hopefully they'll be able to slate times during the regular school year for people to utilize open lab, in case they wish to hone their skills.

This fall we look forward to what we've been told by the departing second years/graduates is our hardest semester. Bring it on! Teach me! We have a full day of lecture on Mondays, to include maternal/baby, med/surg, peds, principles and concepts II, and the different body systems. Tuesdays we have our health assessment class. Wednesdays and Thursdays we spend all day in clinicals.

The changes I've mentioned aren't the only ones taking place. I am working with my director to start a student nurse's association for our program.

Bottom line there is no perfect program. With all the improvements being made in my current program I was leery to transfer and the grass not turn out greener on the other side. I'm comfortable and at peace with my decision.

Change of Shift

Yesterday, Codeblog posted the most recent of Change of Shift. Topics include several items nurses and nursing students might find useful, if not just plain interesting! I've included a link to 100 Useful Job Search Tips for New College Grads over on my sidebar under "Gems for Nursing Students". It's all-inclusive, so even if you're not even graduating with a degree in the nursing field you may find the article useful. Check it out!