Monday, March 10, 2008

retrospect on dealing

Sifting through my computer files I came across the blogs I'd saved from my old Myspace account. Following is one, that I wanted to add back in.
updates to the blog:

AW didn't make the school soccer team this past spring, but never gave up and went on to play for the city league. Their team name was the "annihilating nutheads"! How appropriate. He also did not have anything entered in the art show. No biggie. He did bring home some of his work from class, and as usual it's always impressive. We bought him a guitar a while back and he spends alot of time tinkering around with it. I wanted to put him in lessons, but he insists on learning on his own.

BZ's continued on with baseball. He played for the county Babe Ruth league, with a bunch of his friends who also did not make the high school team. They went on to win the championship! They rocked like you would not believe! He also played for the local American Legion team. He didn't start, but did get some good playing time in, not to mention the invaluable experience practicing with players older than he is--some were college aged. In the midst of all that we sent him to UVA baseball camp, with one of his friends and they had a blast. He plans to play fall ball with the school associated team this coming school year. They don't have fall ball officially with the school, for some strange reason. The teams are associated with the different area high schools, for instance everyone on his team goes to his school. The coaches are typically parents or volunteers from the community. He played last fall, and it was a great time had by all. He will go on to try out in the spring for the school team. With all the experience he's gained recently he should do well. He better after all the money we've spent on this sport!

I just posted the following comment on someone's blog in reference to her still watching cartoons with her boys:

"Lap up the cartoons while you can! There will come a day when you miss hearing Squidward yell, "Spongebob!", or Chucky talking about how he's scared of something, or even Steve singing the Blues Clues song! But it's really cool when they start developing into the young adults they will become...getting into music, art (AW), relationships, trouble (more then who broke something, or who pinched who), life in general...spreading their wings. Show them strength, because someday when one or the other breaks your heart you'll look back to the days of innocence and cartoons, with a need to draw from your inner strength."
Oh, the heartbreak! This past year, or so, as my teenage son, BZ, and my pre-teen son, AW, have gone about their lives I've had to develop thicker skin. Well, let's just say it's still thickening. Maybe a mother's skin continues to thicken from this point on, and that ultra-thick skin is what allows her to be a wonderful grandmother. Anyway! Let's not get ahead of ourselves!

My eldest, in particular, because he's developed a larger-then-life social life, has provided the forum for some serious thickening. The child who once told me everything, and I was his major source of everything, has, at times, informed me, and not necessarily in a mean way (that probably would be better-at least you'd be able to think it's out of anger or such), that he doesn't need to tell me certain things, some things are just none of my business. Don't get me wrong I can appreciate ones need for personal privacy. It just stings when someone who you've been privy to all their privies doesn't want to share as much anymore.

I guess I can't complain too much because he's the child (ha, that's not quite the best descriptive term...young man) who when I try to embarrass him, say at school, he shrugs it off and goes right along with whatever I'm doing. For those who don't know, I work at the high school he attends. One day, after school as I was waiting for AW to get off the bus (there for a while he was getting off at the HS so he could ride home with me...smiles) and I saw BZ standing with friends, outside. I said to one of my co-workers that I should go out there and embarrass him. I walked outside and yelled to him "Hello BZ! Mommy loves you!!" He didn't give me an angry look, didn't pretend like he didn't know or hear me, he waved back wholeheartedly! He's the one that if I ask him for a hug in the hallway, even though it goes against the school's PDA rules, he'll give me a hug.

Now AW on the other hand, he tells his father and I if we show up at his school we are supposed to act like we don't know him, to not say anything to him. He would have shriveled up and died if I had yelled something to him like what I did to BZ! In the least he would have turned a lovely shade of green, chartreuse maybe? But he's also the one when I am upset I can count on for a long as were at home in private, I suppose.

This past week I have been trying to deal with a heartbreak I've never known before. BZ started baseball tryouts at the end of February. To give you a little bit of history, he's played ball since he was four. So back to the tryouts. Because of weather the tryouts were extended out past the original cut day of Thursday, much to my anxiety and displeasure, to this past Monday. So after waiting eleven years, and one week of sheer suspense, Monday after picking him up, dining at Subway for a quick dinner, and returning home I figured they would start posting the list on the Internet. It had been plenty of time. Sure enough, came in the house, looked and there were a couple of names...ugh. It was being posted alphabetically, and hitting refresh every so often would show you more names. So we get to the R's and then we go to the Schxxx. I am bawling by now, from the anticipation, and now the utter devastation in not seeing our last name, knowing Brian didn't make it. Meanwhile, the B's are either laughing or yelling at me to stop, why am I crying, it's dumb...blah, blah, blah. Sweet AW is trying to console me, but I am flipping out.

Ok, so it wasn't a good reaction to have especially considering the person who should really be upset, and is trying to shrug it off in such a manly way. But if you know me you know I'm emotional, quirky, and an all-around basket-case! I won't deny it! I think I've even gone through the steps of mourning. Denial, sadness, anger....I'm still there, but with each day the resolve is taking over.

We knew there was a chance he wouldn't make it. There were over thirty boys trying out, and they only picked 17. So you can chalk it up to sure, some of them are just that damn good, but there's also politics.

BZ has been awesome throughout this whole thing. He did the pre-season conditioning faithfully, only missing one day because he was sick. He kept up a positive outlook, showing a confidence anyone would hope to have. In the end he's taken the disappointment with the grace a parent can really be proud of (and maybe should take from example!)

He has decided to play for the county rec league. We're trying to get him and his friends who also didn't make the team, on the same team. It won't be a season without baseball entirely, but I will have a hard time going to the HS games without a feeling of resentment. Some of his closest friends did make the team, and loving them like they're my own I'm sure I'll force my bitter self to go and cheer them on....once...haha.

There's hope for next year, as he's already said he won't give up, he will try out again.

Now on to AW. He is going to try out for his middle school soccer team. Can you just see my skin thickening? No, he has some hope. He has played soccer, unlike when he tried out for basketball. We were so proud of him for that. He'd never played formally, but gave it a shot (no pun intended), anyway. There's also the upcoming annual county school art show. He had a piece in it last year, and I would love for him to show off his ability this year. I really ought to take some pics of his drawings and post them to show them off.

Hmm...well, that's about all I have to say right now. Something to think about: the pride felt being a parent, a mother, outweighs the heartbreak...we can only hope!