Thursday, June 4, 2009

fading fast

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. That sounds somewhat morbid, and probably a bit dramatic, but hey...roll with it.

Ten years. Ten years this coming August I will have been going to school, off and on...for ten years. That doesn't include the year I spent in medical assistant school from '97-'98. I know I've whined about this before, but seriously, I am so very burned out and these summer classes aren't helping.

Yesterday evening, as thunderstorms were setting in, the boys and I were doing our thing. Them, well they were doing what teenage boys do, texting, watching TV, checking the 'net (until I shut down the computers--as Chef Gordon Ramsay would say, "SHUT IT DOWN!!"), periodically arguing, all-the-while avoiding any homework that might need to be done and so on. Who says men can't multitask?

As for me? I was doing homework. At one point, as the power flickered off and then back on, I sat there thinking about how much fun it would be to go off and build a fort and tell ghost stories. Well, I don't even know if the boys would have gone for the idea. I'll never know, it seems. I had homework to do. You see, I've fallen a bit behind in my week's studies, so it was imperative I took some time last night to play catch up. As it was, since I'd shut down the computers, I had to do some of the work via my Blackberry. No, I don't have a laptop.

If I do go on with my schooling I will have to invest in a laptop. That's beside the point.

I say "if" because part of me would like to throw in the proverbial white towel on school. Some might see it as quitting, and literally it would be, but I would see it as taking a hiatus. It's never too late to go back.

Part of me wants to just work. It would be so nice to bring in an income and be able to accomplish some of those things that we can't, not on one income. I don't want to live in this house forever. The bathrooms are too small, we don't have a garage (or much storage, for that matter) and I would like a little more space between us and the neighbors. I know I shouldn't be complaining as there are people who are homeless or are losing there livelihoods. It is my blog and I'll complain if I want to!

Seriously though, there are several things in the house that need repair or updating. We've replaced carpet in two rooms, and the others need to be done. A long while back Big B ran the dishwasher with regular soap, it overflowed, and now the hardwood flooring under it (and quite possibly the subflooring) needs repair. The peninsula in the kitchen needs lighting. As it is when I work there I have to turn on the dining area light along with the kitchen light. Everything about the upstairs bathrooms needs refurbishing/updating. Everything. The Berber carpeting out in the great room, well let's just say it's n longer beige. It's Dalmatian. I would like to take the hardwoods and continue them through the dining area and on into the great room. We've talked about replacing the Formica countertops in the kitchen with granite or something to that effect. The bedrooms need to to repainted. All that and the landscaping needs to be finished. That will be the only thing accomplished in the near future.

More importantly I am still hung up on what I am missing with my kids. What more needs to be said about that? Sure, I'd be tired after working a long day, but aren't I already tired and having to study?

Yes, I would have to finish my summer classes. It would behoove me to do so anyway. If I were to take a "hiatus" and later decided to go back to nursing school I would still need these classes.

What intimidates me about staying in school? (There's always that too.) Besides the hours spent studying, there's always the risk of failure.

What do I want? Not even I know at the moment.