Thursday, June 4, 2009

fading fast

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. That sounds somewhat morbid, and probably a bit dramatic, but hey...roll with it.

Ten years. Ten years this coming August I will have been going to school, off and on...for ten years. That doesn't include the year I spent in medical assistant school from '97-'98. I know I've whined about this before, but seriously, I am so very burned out and these summer classes aren't helping.

Yesterday evening, as thunderstorms were setting in, the boys and I were doing our thing. Them, well they were doing what teenage boys do, texting, watching TV, checking the 'net (until I shut down the computers--as Chef Gordon Ramsay would say, "SHUT IT DOWN!!"), periodically arguing, all-the-while avoiding any homework that might need to be done and so on. Who says men can't multitask?

As for me? I was doing homework. At one point, as the power flickered off and then back on, I sat there thinking about how much fun it would be to go off and build a fort and tell ghost stories. Well, I don't even know if the boys would have gone for the idea. I'll never know, it seems. I had homework to do. You see, I've fallen a bit behind in my week's studies, so it was imperative I took some time last night to play catch up. As it was, since I'd shut down the computers, I had to do some of the work via my Blackberry. No, I don't have a laptop.

If I do go on with my schooling I will have to invest in a laptop. That's beside the point.

I say "if" because part of me would like to throw in the proverbial white towel on school. Some might see it as quitting, and literally it would be, but I would see it as taking a hiatus. It's never too late to go back.

Part of me wants to just work. It would be so nice to bring in an income and be able to accomplish some of those things that we can't, not on one income. I don't want to live in this house forever. The bathrooms are too small, we don't have a garage (or much storage, for that matter) and I would like a little more space between us and the neighbors. I know I shouldn't be complaining as there are people who are homeless or are losing there livelihoods. It is my blog and I'll complain if I want to!

Seriously though, there are several things in the house that need repair or updating. We've replaced carpet in two rooms, and the others need to be done. A long while back Big B ran the dishwasher with regular soap, it overflowed, and now the hardwood flooring under it (and quite possibly the subflooring) needs repair. The peninsula in the kitchen needs lighting. As it is when I work there I have to turn on the dining area light along with the kitchen light. Everything about the upstairs bathrooms needs refurbishing/updating. Everything. The Berber carpeting out in the great room, well let's just say it's n longer beige. It's Dalmatian. I would like to take the hardwoods and continue them through the dining area and on into the great room. We've talked about replacing the Formica countertops in the kitchen with granite or something to that effect. The bedrooms need to to repainted. All that and the landscaping needs to be finished. That will be the only thing accomplished in the near future.

More importantly I am still hung up on what I am missing with my kids. What more needs to be said about that? Sure, I'd be tired after working a long day, but aren't I already tired and having to study?

Yes, I would have to finish my summer classes. It would behoove me to do so anyway. If I were to take a "hiatus" and later decided to go back to nursing school I would still need these classes.

What intimidates me about staying in school? (There's always that too.) Besides the hours spent studying, there's always the risk of failure.

What do I want? Not even I know at the moment.


Anonymous said...

I have been in your shoes and I can honestly say hang in there. When I was in nursing school Jim was gone to Korea and the boys were little. There were so many times I felt exactly like you just described and wanted to just quit. It would have been so much easier. If you had a long time to go until you graduated I would say maybe take a break... but you graduate in one year and then school is over if you want it!! (don't know if I should mention there is always little classes you have to take at work??). I was so burned out and was struggling so much to study and get those A's and take care of the boys I couldn't do it all. That is when a nursing instructor brought up Maslow's hierarchy of needs and I realized that I didn't need to get that A or have the highest score to succeed. You and the kids come first and I can honestly tell you not ONE person/place of work has ever asked me what I made in college. Our class motto was C=RN... long story short.... ease up a little and smell the flowers and you might get that little break you need to feel better about the whole thing (and by the way.. I passed my boards the first time with that C average and 12 years later still going strong!) It is so worth it all in the end and I am so glad I did stick with it.

LivingDeadNurse said...

don't give up!!! you'll be done before you know it!

12 weeks at a time said...

Oh boy do I understand! I graduate in march 2010 and I soooo wanted to take the summer off, but no, I have a stupid speech class to take. UUGGG So much to do with the house, daughters carpet is discusting, needs to be ripped out, bathroom needs to be finished with trim work, kitchen needs new floors , countertops, the ceiling is a horrible 5o's style acustic tile,the lighting is rediculous. Can't wait to just work and pay down debt, fix up house and move to a better neigborhood. We don't have that long to go. Just need to muster up the strength!:)

Prisca: said...

If you need a break now, take one! Don't burn yourself out before even becoming a nurse.

But also make sure you are at a place where you can stop and not lose all the hard work you have put into school. I know science classes are only good for 5 yrs and many schools will let you take up to 3 semesters off of nursing classes before they drop you from the program and you have to start all over. Check it out and get everything in writing!!! Good luck!

running wildly said...

8 years....count em. That's how long I've been in school now. I TOTALLY get how you are feeling. But hunny, this feeling is temporary. You are at the half way point, the "hump" and I PROMISE you this: if you keep going, you'll be glad you did. It is harder to leave and then come back because the knowledge you have now will slowly seep out your brain. Plus, you're in a groove right now of how to properly study, write papers etc. If you take a break it will take a while for you to pick up that speed again.

It is worth it to stick it out. I say that only because I know this to be soooooooo true. Honest, you'll get paid more (to get those house renos done) and you'll have a greater sense of self worth because you finished and didn't stop. Plow through, hunny. Martinis and laughing with friends surely help.
Once you are done you'll feel so incredibly relieved, and the paycheck will blow your mind making you feel it was worth it. You won't be burned out going to work because you'll FINALLY be doing what you've been training to do for so so long.

Read these comments. See how you are not alone. Student nurses have ALL been there at one time, and now that I'm finally on the graduating side I am glad I plunked through....regardless of the guilt, the time spent studying, the heartache. Truly. It's so worth it to keep going. I'm cheering you on full force here!

Heather said...

Girl, we have ALL been there! You look around and see your kids just getting older, your husband seeming soooo stress free, and ya think, "Huh...what the hell am I doing...", but TRY to remember the times when you have free time...your kids are still getting older, your husband is still there, but you? Have your dreams been halted, are YOU going forward? Are you going to regret not finishing? Try to take time NOT to take a class, so you don't burn out. I took nursing school for 3 yrs instead of 2 (not by choice mind you! ;O ) and now i'm 47. I am still so glad I hung in there. My kids got through the years with me "less" available. I would try to make up for lost time when I wasn't in school. And now, last night my daughter was so choked up seeing me graduate. They were all so proud of me. We had a great talk (both kids) about being able to do ANYTHING you want if you're willing to WORK at it. Try not to give up, but you don't have to get A's either. Hang in there honey, we are all here for you!

Christine said...

((Big Hug))

Beth said...

Hey, I have been there. I started my nursing degree 20 years ago and quit just when I got all my pre reqs done. I have regretted it often over the last 17 years. I went back to school Jan 08 and had to do just about everything over again. I'm taking the summer off this year so I can have a break before starting nursing school in August, but I'm a little scared. My 2 of my 3 older children are grown and out of the house but I still have a 15 year old and a 4 year old at home (don't ask!!). I often feel selfish for subjecting my family to the stress of my being in school and guilty for not being there for my husband and kids. But when I approached the subject with my husband the other day, he reminded me that I've wanted to be a nurse for a long time, have regretted dropping out and that I should finish this for me if for no other reason. You only have one more year to go, don't quit now! You can do it! I don't know about you but I am an overachiever in all things, I want to be supermom/wife/student!! It's hard for me to let things slide (guess it's fortunate we live in a 37' sailboat)but sometimes you just have to, to survive. Good luck, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.