Thursday, January 15, 2009

stop being so wishy washy

I am overwhelmed.

I am tired.

Part of me just wants to quit.

Part of me knows that in May of 2010 I would face a regretful feeling like no other.

It's been nearly ten years since I started my college career. In the fall of 1999 I started taking classes at the community college near to where we were living at the time. I was in a pre-nursing program working on my prerequisites.

In 2000 Big B was faced with the possibility of non-voluntary cross-training, which for him was not an option. By then he had spent 13 years as a Security Forces member in the USAF. In lay terms, he was a military cop. He intended on being a cop for the duration of his military career. To get out of the predicament all he had to do was attain an overseas assignment.

Family members of people in the military make sacrifices that many would never have to endure.

Being the resilient, flexible wife that I am I decided that, knowing I wouldn't be able to finish a nursing degree while overseas, teaching was my next best option. Long story short, I've since worked in education and well, the desire to become a nurse never ebbed.

Fast forward to January 15th, 2009...

acceptance into nursing school....check
first semester of nursing school..check
first week of second semester.....check
college burn out...........double check

Yesterday I had to leave early from lab. This doesn't really cause me a ton of stress because my instructor assured me that the plan for the day was mostly review. Normally I would've stuck it out, but couldn't with the way I was feeling.

Sunday AW started complaining of a tummy ache, which soon became full on vomiting. He was laid out all day long, when not stooped over the toilet.

Monday night Big B says something like, "Well it's a good thing no one else got sick", referring to himself, LB and me.

Thanks for the jinx.

Tuesday night in the middle of the night I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a MACK truck.

I felt well enough yesterday morning that I was able to shower, but progressively felt worse as time went on. At about 9:30 I knew I wouldn't be able to go the full day, and why risk infecting my classmates? After arriving at home the rest of the day was spent in bed, aching, but never I was the lucky one to have it come out a different orifice. It lasted about 24 hours altogether.

Does my desire to become a nurse override the desire to succumb to laziness, and get a job? That's a contradictory of terms, but I honestly think less stress would be involved in working than going to school for another 15 months.

I think what it comes down to is fear of the unknown. I've worked with patients before, but it's been years.

There's also the idea that I would love to start working now; bring home a paycheck NOW!

Let's face it I have a son who is 2 1/2 years away from college!

Winter break spoiled me. Having the time off was great, except it gave me too much freedom from studying.

I drive myself crazy.