fading fast

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. That sounds somewhat morbid, and probably a bit dramatic, but hey...roll with it.

Ten years. Ten years this coming August I will have been going to school, off and on...for ten years. That doesn't include the year I spent in medical assistant school from '97-'98. I know I've whined about this before, but seriously, I am so very burned out and these summer classes aren't helping.

Yesterday evening, as thunderstorms were setting in, the boys and I were doing our thing. Them, well they were doing what teenage boys do, texting, watching TV, checking the 'net (until I shut down the computers--as Chef Gordon Ramsay would say, "SHUT IT DOWN!!"), periodically arguing, all-the-while avoiding any homework that might need to be done and so on. Who says men can't multitask?

As for me? I was doing homework. At one point, as the power flickered off and then back on, I sat there thinking about how much fun it would be to go off and build a fort and tell ghost stories. Well, I don't even know if the boys would have gone for the idea. I'll never know, it seems. I had homework to do. You see, I've fallen a bit behind in my week's studies, so it was imperative I took some time last night to play catch up. As it was, since I'd shut down the computers, I had to do some of the work via my Blackberry. No, I don't have a laptop.

If I do go on with my schooling I will have to invest in a laptop. That's beside the point.

I say "if" because part of me would like to throw in the proverbial white towel on school. Some might see it as quitting, and literally it would be, but I would see it as taking a hiatus. It's never too late to go back.

Part of me wants to just work. It would be so nice to bring in an income and be able to accomplish some of those things that we can't, not on one income. I don't want to live in this house forever. The bathrooms are too small, we don't have a garage (or much storage, for that matter) and I would like a little more space between us and the neighbors. I know I shouldn't be complaining as there are people who are homeless or are losing there livelihoods. It is my blog and I'll complain if I want to!

Seriously though, there are several things in the house that need repair or updating. We've replaced carpet in two rooms, and the others need to be done. A long while back Big B ran the dishwasher with regular soap, it overflowed, and now the hardwood flooring under it (and quite possibly the subflooring) needs repair. The peninsula in the kitchen needs lighting. As it is when I work there I have to turn on the dining area light along with the kitchen light. Everything about the upstairs bathrooms needs refurbishing/updating. Everything. The Berber carpeting out in the great room, well let's just say it's n longer beige. It's Dalmatian. I would like to take the hardwoods and continue them through the dining area and on into the great room. We've talked about replacing the Formica countertops in the kitchen with granite or something to that effect. The bedrooms need to to repainted. All that and the landscaping needs to be finished. That will be the only thing accomplished in the near future.

More importantly I am still hung up on what I am missing with my kids. What more needs to be said about that? Sure, I'd be tired after working a long day, but aren't I already tired and having to study?

Yes, I would have to finish my summer classes. It would behoove me to do so anyway. If I were to take a "hiatus" and later decided to go back to nursing school I would still need these classes.

What intimidates me about staying in school? (There's always that too.) Besides the hours spent studying, there's always the risk of failure.

What do I want? Not even I know at the moment.

final decision

As many of you that have been with me since the inception of my blog know I had thought about transferring from my current program to a different program.

After careful consideration I have chosen to stick with my current program.

WHY?!?!?!

I'll gladly fill you in:

*current program is not privately accredited, although it is state approved
This still holds true. This issue is still important to me, but I believe things are changing. Will it happen during the next (my final) year? I cannot answer that.

*current program is on the July '08 State Board of Nursing report as being one of the programs in the state with a less than 80% NCLEX pass rate
I believe my class, and maybe even the class that just graduated, may be the benchmark for exceeding the pass rate of the July '08 report.

*current program in a state of transition due to previous instructors leaving just prior to classes starting this August
This turned out to be a blessing.

*One of the replacement instructors walked out after being forced to by the second year students because they didn't like her teaching style(yeah, that speaks volumes about so much, but it is not what is at issue here).
Good riddance.

*The dean of nursing, who has been teaching our intro class, has not been able to answer questions from us students, that a dean should be able to answer. Examples of such a question include general information about ATI testing, or information about classes of the upcoming semester.
We no longer deal with the Dean as she's gone back to her perch at the main campus. Any questions I've had since have been, or are being, addressed.

*The instructor who came back is actually an awesome teacher, but it's not certain she will remain past the spring semester.
She is remaining as adjunct faculty, and will be teaching the Cardiac portion of material during our 3rd semester.

*When we've been taught skills we're taught one day, tested the following week, and that's it. Those skills are not re-visited, at all, the rest of the semester. There is no skills final. Because of my previous medical training (Air Force medic, and Medical Assistant) I am ok with this, so far. What about later when we're learning other skills that are new even to me? I can't imagine being one of the students in this program who have no experience. Some of them have voiced their concerns over not being sure about their vital signs skills.
What's done is done. The program is being revamped for improvement.

*This semester we were in lecture a total of three hours(two for intro and one for basic skills), and lab 5-6 hours, during the "on" weeks. Our intro class was a "hybrid" class and the off weeks were spent online answering some sort of nursing related question:
The nursing process is defined as being composed of five phases: assess, diagnose, plan, implement, and evaluate. Which of these phases do you believe is most important to the delivery of high quality nursing care, and to the achievement of positive client outcomes? Do not respond that all of the phases are equally important – that evades the question. Demonstrate critical thinking in the argument you present to support one phase over the others.
The (worthless) "intro" class we took is no longer a part of the program. Classes have been switched around.

*one hour a week dedicated to basic skills?
They've increased the amount of time dedicated to Nur 105-Basic Nursing Skills lecture from 1 to 3 hours, and lab remains at 6 hours. Pharmacology has been moved from second semester, and only half semester in length, to the first semester. It runs through the entire length of the semester.

*next semester we have two hours for Nursing Principles and Concepts I, six hours for its lab, 1 hour for Principles of Pharmacology, and two hours for Mental Health Nursing. Supposedly this semester they were extending the latter two to span the whole semester, whereas in the past they've been eight week courses, first pharm, and then mental health. I've heard they'll be changing it back?
Once again, what's done is done. In my opinion Mental Helth could have been a hybrid, if not only online class, but that's just because of the way it was taught.

*We start our first clinicals this spring, after which we will no longer be in lab. So we'll go from 6 hours of lab a week, to only clinicals Wednesdays and Thursdays 6:30a-12:30p.
Quite frankly clinicals went well (we learned tons) and I don't think having lab time during would have been anything more than redundant and exhausting. Real world experience beats out working on dummies any day!

*there is no availability for open lab to practice
Wouldn't you know it, they've opened up the lab for summertime use! Hopefully they'll be able to slate times during the regular school year for people to utilize open lab, in case they wish to hone their skills.

This fall we look forward to what we've been told by the departing second years/graduates is our hardest semester. Bring it on! Teach me! We have a full day of lecture on Mondays, to include maternal/baby, med/surg, peds, principles and concepts II, and the different body systems. Tuesdays we have our health assessment class. Wednesdays and Thursdays we spend all day in clinicals.

The changes I've mentioned aren't the only ones taking place. I am working with my director to start a student nurse's association for our program.

Bottom line there is no perfect program. With all the improvements being made in my current program I was leery to transfer and the grass not turn out greener on the other side. I'm comfortable and at peace with my decision.

stop being so wishy washy

I am overwhelmed.

I am tired.

Part of me just wants to quit.

Part of me knows that in May of 2010 I would face a regretful feeling like no other.

It's been nearly ten years since I started my college career. In the fall of 1999 I started taking classes at the community college near to where we were living at the time. I was in a pre-nursing program working on my prerequisites.

In 2000 Big B was faced with the possibility of non-voluntary cross-training, which for him was not an option. By then he had spent 13 years as a Security Forces member in the USAF. In lay terms, he was a military cop. He intended on being a cop for the duration of his military career. To get out of the predicament all he had to do was attain an overseas assignment.

Family members of people in the military make sacrifices that many would never have to endure.

Being the resilient, flexible wife that I am I decided that, knowing I wouldn't be able to finish a nursing degree while overseas, teaching was my next best option. Long story short, I've since worked in education and well, the desire to become a nurse never ebbed.

Fast forward to January 15th, 2009...

acceptance into nursing school....check
first semester of nursing school..check
first week of second semester.....check
college burn out...........double check

Yesterday I had to leave early from lab. This doesn't really cause me a ton of stress because my instructor assured me that the plan for the day was mostly review. Normally I would've stuck it out, but couldn't with the way I was feeling.

Sunday AW started complaining of a tummy ache, which soon became full on vomiting. He was laid out all day long, when not stooped over the toilet.

Monday night Big B says something like, "Well it's a good thing no one else got sick", referring to himself, LB and me.

Thanks for the jinx.

Tuesday night in the middle of the night I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a MACK truck.









I felt well enough yesterday morning that I was able to shower, but progressively felt worse as time went on. At about 9:30 I knew I wouldn't be able to go the full day, and why risk infecting my classmates? After arriving at home the rest of the day was spent in bed, aching, but never vomiting....no I was the lucky one to have it come out a different orifice. It lasted about 24 hours altogether.

Does my desire to become a nurse override the desire to succumb to laziness, and get a job? That's a contradictory of terms, but I honestly think less stress would be involved in working than going to school for another 15 months.

I think what it comes down to is fear of the unknown. I've worked with patients before, but it's been years.

There's also the idea that I would love to start working now; bring home a paycheck NOW!

Let's face it I have a son who is 2 1/2 years away from college!

Winter break spoiled me. Having the time off was great, except it gave me too much freedom from studying.

I drive myself crazy.

to transfer, or not to transfer

I've been asked about why I feel the need to transfer nursing programs.

Here we go:

*current program is not privately accredited, although it is state approved

*current program is on the July '08 State Board of Nursing report as being one of the programs in the state with a less than 80% NCLEX pass rate

*current program in a state of transition due to previous instructors leaving just prior to classes starting this August

*One of the replacement instructors walked out after being forced to by the second year students because they didn't like her teaching style(yeah, that speaks volumes about so much, but it is not what is at issue here).

*The dean of nursing, who has been teaching our intro class, has not been able to answer questions from us students, that a dean should be able to answer. Examples of such a question include general information about ATI testing, or information about classes of the upcoming semester.

*The instructor who came back is actually an awesome teacher, but it's not certain she will remain past the spring semester.

*When we've been taught skills we're taught one day, tested the following week, and that's it. Those skills are not re-visited, at all, the rest of the semester. There is no skills final. Because of my previous medical training (Air Force medic, and Medical Assistant) I am ok with this, so far. What about later when we're learning other skills that are new even to me? I can't imagine being one of the students in this program who have no experience. Some of them have voiced their concerns over not being sure about their vital signs skills.

*This semester we were in lecture a total of three hours(two for intro and one for basic skills), and lab 5-6 hours, during the "on" weeks. Our intro class was a "hybrid" class and the off weeks were spent online answering some sort of nursing related question:
The nursing process is defined as being composed of five phases: assess, diagnose, plan, implement, and evaluate. Which of these phases do you believe is most important to the delivery of high quality nursing care, and to the achievement of positive client outcomes? Do not respond that all of the phases are equally important – that evades the question. Demonstrate critical thinking in the argument you present to support one phase over the others.

*one hour a week dedicated to basic skills?

*next semester we have two hours for Nursing Principles and Concepts I, six hours for its lab, 1 hour for Principles of Pharmacology, and two hours for Mental Health Nursing. Supposedly this semester they were extending the latter two to span the whole semester, whereas in the past they've been eight week courses, first pharm, and then mental health. I've heard they'll be changing it back?

*We start our first clinicals this spring, after which we will no longer be in lab. So we'll go from 6 hours of lab a week, to only clinicals Wednesdays and Thursdays 6:30a-12:30p.

*there is no availability for open lab to practice

That's about it for now, because now I'm getting madder.

I know no program is perfect, but when you're paying for an education that is supposed to provide you with the knowledge and skills to pass a state board that determines your career you want to have the best chance possible.

i did it, finally!

Yep, yesterday I headed over to the other community college to seek advisement about applying to their program as a transfer. I'm going ahead with the application, due by May 15, for Fall '09 start. This next semester will be spent in my current program only because it is the best move as hopefully it will keep me on track with the new program.

Now, having said all that, I am still on the fence. As I was driving away I thought to myself, "K, why not stay with the current program? You're doing well enough. You could be one of the ones who helps raise the pass rate[not to sound arrogant, but I am doing way better than I ever thought, and hope to not eat these words as time goes on], and you could be helping your classmates who are struggling as you've already been."

You might be wondering how I could possibly event think to set out to accomplish this while studying for finals. I had to. Tuition is due soon and if I had to make some sort of schedule/school changes I would need to do so now.

Now that I have gone and checked out the other program I have the need to do so lifted off my shoulders, which helps as far as studying goes. Now I can set this on the back burner, and do some serious thinking while on break. It's a tough decision to make, and I probably wont set it into stone until later in the spring semester. It all hinges on acceptance into the other program anyway.

two weeks from today

Two weeks from today I'll be taking my final exams for NUR100 and Nur105, and my first semester of nursing school will be O-V-E-R!

Just this morning I had myself quitting and going to work as a medical assistant. I did graduate from a MA program in 1998, and all I'd need to do is re-up my credentials. Why do I have to be so wishy washy?

For one I'd like to be bringing home a paycheck...right now!

This isn't the first time I've swayed against my current career/college path.

So what's the problem? Fear? Fatigue? Sheer laziness? Self-doubt? Who knows? The things that keep me going are the possibilities that are out there. I also don't want May 2010 to come around and I reflect on what could have been.

I don't want the next year and a half to go by too fast-because I want to see my kids grow. Then I just want it to be over with.

That's enough whining for now. I suppose I'll go watch House and then study for my skills assessment tomorrow.

turning in knots

So much has gone on this past week, with the sudden departure of one of our instructors and my indecision as to whether I will transfer or not. It's pretty scarey because what if I quit my current program, apply to another one and then I don't get in!? I did receive the package from one of the other local CCs.

I've also been dealing with trying to study for the two exams we have this coming Tuesday. We have one in Nur100-Intro and Nur105-Basic Skills. The basic skills exam is over Kozier chapter 36, Wound blah, blah. Nur 100 is over 9 chapters (our biggest as far as volume of chapters goes), and they range from 15-23...documenting to growth and development, and all the stages! Yippee!

We are having a study group today. There is probably going to be about 6 of us there. I'll have to make sure we stay on task. I've been making up flash cards, which are more like not-so-flashable cards because of how much actually has to go on each. It's not always as simple as defining a term in nursing school-it's about application and concepts! I was hoping to make it into a jeopardy game, but haven't had time to do that. I would want to maintain the info on the cards as well as using them for the game, you know putting dollar amounts on each in some fashion. Not enough time I say!


Speaking of which I better get off here and get back to the not-so-flashables!